Living on grapefruit

The Candy monster

2012-02-11T05:27:00.000-08:00

I'm in a very hard situation right now and I'm fighting every day to overcome it - so far losing the struggle. It's a about candy - like always in my life. I guess I'm a hard core sugar junkie, and that this is going to be my big struggle in life until I die. Yes, it sounds very negative, but I've had long periods without anything with sugar and it's still there - the little devil in my head whispering about how good I would feel after a piece of chocolate or a cookie. It feels like will power isn't enough and I don't know what to do about it. Normally it's probably not a problem and I can keep it within reason, but the last weeks have been out of control. I buy candy and have in my office - things I don't like for the staff, who appreciates it and those are things that I don't eat. It's the things that I have in my desk drawer that are dangerous - chocolate, licorice etc. Some days, when I'm extra bored at work, I chew on something all the time. If I didn't have tea to drink and which helps me a little, I would probably suck or chew on something sweet all the time. When I eat a lot I get dizzy, since my gastric bypass affects my sugar intake a bit, and I also get sleepy - like halfways into a sugar coma. Then I stop for an hour or two, but then I'm back again.

If I only had had enough to do at work, so my mind would be busy all the time. That was the only positive with working at Starbucks - I didn't eat any candy at all. The same with my last job in Sweden. There were a lot to do and no time for constant snacking. At this job there is a lot of paper work and unfortunately I'm extremely fast with administration and that means that, even if I create new things for me to do all the time, I still have time over to just sit and think or wonder what to do - half concentrated on some report or writing a business case.

Well, I can't solve my problem here, but this is how it is. I guess I could stop buying candy that I like and I will try, but it's not going to be easy. The body screams after sugar and I'm weak. I will give it a go though.

LCHF again

2012-01-16T17:20:00.000-08:00

Because of Crissy's diabetes we have discussed what kind of changes we need to do to make her feel better and get better blood levels. We basically discussed three type of diets: Dr Bernstein's, eating totally vegan food or trying LCHF again. After discussing the different diets back and forth and reading books about it, we decided that LCHF would be the easiest one and the one we would probably succeed with.

The benefits with LCHF are many - the no carbs make you crave less and less things with sugar, but you're not totally obsessed with not eating carbs, which rules out stupid things like: ¨"omg! I ate sugar. Now the diet is totally fucked so I might as well eat some more" or "Sugar is totally forbidden and therefore I crave it". The benefit from eating almost no carbs is of course that we need to eat other things instead, which means vegetables, protein and fat. Another benefit is that we actually like meat, which would make a vegan diet very difficult. Eating saturated fat makes total sense, since our bodies can get rid of that more easily than the fat that carbs are turned into. It's not a coincident that chips and soda eating Americans are so fat, while the steak and whipping cream eating French are mostly normal weight. If light margarine, non fat milk, whole grain carbs and fake sugar had been a geed way o staying normal weight, the Americans wouldn't have had such an obese population, right?

So making ood is pretty easy with LCHF. In the beginning Crissy protested and said that dairy wasn't something she could ever get used to, because her Asian upbringing was more about rice than cream or cheese, but the thing is that she doesn't have to eat dairy. It's LOW CARB; HIGH FAT which only means that you need to remove more or less all your carbs and eat more fat than a person normally does. This can mean frying in butter, having some whipping cream with berries as a dessert, a sallad with feta or breakfast or eating the fat on the pork chop. You don't have to drench everything in butter and cream.

Now it's been ten days and it's working well so far. Crissy's levels are already better and she lost over 2 kilos the first week! Me? Well, I need to eat a little more than I do to get any result at all + stop eating candy.

Update

2012-01-03T07:14:00.000-08:00

It's been months since I was here, but I've been busy working at my new job :-)

I still lose weight, but very, very slowly. This is my own fault of course, since I eat a lot of crap. Candy and buns are a big part of my diet, but I'm going to change that. Yes, I lose weight anyway, but I want to lose the rest (about 10 kilos) and also get some muscles back. I still haven't been to the damn gym, even if I'm paying for it every month, so there are things to do.

Right now we're discussing what kind of food we should eat to help Crissy with her diabetes. We have looked at a strict fat-free vegan diet, some kind of extreme Atkins and then my favorite - LCHF. It has to be something that Crissy feels comfortable with. I can eat any kind of food and feel well, as long as I eat enough fat and protein. This means that if Crissy wants to become a vegan, I need to eat meat and fat at work, so I will get my fill of that. It's probably not going to be that though, because that would mean replacing protein and fat with carbs, which isn't very good. A Dr Barnard says that such a diet is good for diabetics and he has sold a lot of books about it, but I doubt that it's good in the long run.

We're looking at recipes to match the diets, so we'll see what kind of food we would be eating. It's easy to say that you should eat this and this, but how will it be in real life? Can we stand the food, wil it be exciting enough to cook, can I get the variation I need, will we feel full and be able to resist all the sweet temptations?

Sweets is really a big problem for me. I don't feel bad when I eat it, but I know it's not good for me. I have cinnamon buns in my office, so I have something to snack on. Yes, they are home made and not so filled with sugar as Canadian buns, but anyway. I also eat candy and chocolate at work and at home. I guess the only way to stop most of it is to never have it at home. I had a period when I ate less, but then I got into bad habits again when I was unemployed. Sweets is a big poison for me and I can easily say that I am a sugar addict. The only way to get rid of the addiction is to detox my body and then be very careful. Eating LCHF would help me with that, since I feel full and satisfied on that diet and therefore can withstand the temptations better - at least in theory. No, that's not true. I have managed to succeed before, so I can do it.

I'll come back with a decision on what kind of diet we will choose. Also - I haven't measured myself in a long time, so I will come back with some numbers too. I doubt they will be any different from the last time though, but you never know.

Buying clothes

2011-10-01T15:21:00.001-07:00

Oh so much easier it is to buy clothes now. I still have to buy most of my pants in the Plus stores, since I still have size 16 (46). For tops I'm down to size 14 (44). I haven't had these kind of sizes since I was a teenager, which is kind of mind-blowing. So now I have to first go to the Plus store for pants and then to a "normal" store for tops. I guess that's a sweet trouble and I can't be so lazy that I expect to be able to go to just one store and buy everything. I actually bought new jeans size "36"30 a couple of weeks ago. Of course I need to have them shortened, but too be able to buy normal jeans instead of the weird stretchy ones you can find in fatty stores...

My thighs are what makes it impossible to buy pants in general in normal stores. The loose skin makes my thighs bigger and also my hips. Crissy says that I should learn how to live with that and adapt, and there are tailors everywhere here. I guess she's right - as always :-)

No matter what - it was nicer than normally to shop. Otherwise I end up being sad, buying candy and sulk for weeks before I give it another try. Also, I have gotten used to always having old and crappy clothes, because I have been forced to use them for a long time - that is if I found anything at all that fit me.

There is another thing with being smaller - and being able to find clothes that fit - and that is that I can throw away all the big clothes. Right now I am at home and I'm wearing cotton pants that were almost tight last Fall. Now they're extremely big, but comfortable to have here at home. The rule now is to use a tee a couple of days and instead of throwing it in the laundry basket I throw it in the garbage. Yes, I have given away a lot to charity too, but some shirts are way too much used for that. So slowly I'm replacing everything in the closet. Even my panties are big, but that will have to wait.

Oh, Crissy said that if I want to stabilize my thighs a little, when I think they wobble too much, I can use something she called Spanx, which is a modern form of girdle. Of course she wants me to have that instead of thinking about surgery :-) Anyway, I will look into it, since it might help with the varicose veins on my right thigh too. Girdle, wtf!

Peace and quiet

2011-09-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, now I have gotten a job, so I can start concentrating on feeling well again. Honestly, I have been a bit depressed about being unemployed and I haven't cared so much about what I've been eating. Now it's time for a menu again, eating lunch every day and remembering my vitamins. But even with all these things I expect the last 15 kilos to be more difficult to loose, so that famous exercise will probably be needed. We do pay for the damn gym, so I will soon need to start using it. I guess that if I eat well and then move more, I will of course gain some muscles, but also lose some weight. Then it will be all about getting stabilized on a weight that suits me.

Losing again

2011-09-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

I dared to start on the scale after my post about my cookie diet, and I had gained more than I thought was possible in such a short time. Now I have already lost most of it, so it could have been something temporary going on. Right now I have my period and feel like an elephant, but that's normal, so I'm not worried.

Measurements

2011-09-13T06:13:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I last measured myself. I have just forgotten it during this period of unemployment and settlement issues. Now it's time though:

2010 November 30 - measurement started
Chest 125 centimeters
Upper arms 43 centimeters
Waist 136 centimeters
Hips 135 centimeters
Thighs 80 centimeters
Calves 54 centimeters

2011 March 28 - last measurement
Chest 115 centimeters
Waist 120 centimeters
Hips 116 centimeters
Thighs 74 centimeters
Calves 51 centimeters

2011 September 13
Chest 106 centimeters
Waist 111 centimeters
Hips 109 centimeters
Thighs 67 centimeters
Calves 48 centimeters

Very pleasing, now when I try to skip the cookies and most of the candy. I can see it when I buy clothes. Last week I was at Old Navy to look at jeans and I discovered that I now can have normal jeans sizes, so I bought 36"32". Of course they are too long, so I will have to go to a tailor, but anyway. Normal size in a normal store, instead of a store for fat people. What a change!

If I removed all the loose skin I would weigh under 80 and could have so much smaller sizes. My thighs are troublesome. I don't know about surgery. They will fix my tummy if I want to and then I must pay for the rest myself, but it's not about the money. Crissy says that the hospitals here are notorious for making people sick and give them infections, that are sometimes even deadly. She thinks that I shouldn't bother with it, but adapt instead. Like buying the pants that I can have and then go to a tailor. My problem is the thighs, because when I wear most pants the thighs move a lot, since the skin is loose and the fat too. I am constantly aware of it, which makes me more insecure than I should need to be. This is a hard decision. Crissy is so scared that something will happen with me, which I can understand, and there is also the problem with the health insurance in this country. I can't be on paid sick leave for doing surgery, which I could have done back in Sweden. The option is of course to plan a surgery holiday and do it in Sweden. The cost is the same. I need to think a little more about this.

But there is also the problem with my varicose veins, who can be seen through the fabric if the fabric is thin or stretchy. That I won't get any help with until I am way under 80 kilo and then only traditional surgery, which means a lot of cutting. Laser and other modern techniques I will have to pay for myself and that is about 2000 dollars, I think. I will probably do that when we can afford it.

No matter what - great measurements and I am more than pleased. Now it will be a little easier for a while to stay away from sweets and carbs in general.

Cookie diet

2011-09-11T13:48:00.001-07:00

The last couple of weeks I have felt very sad about not getting a job. It's so frustrating to be unemployed, and for the first time in my life I have eaten when bored and sad. Before I did the opposite and more or less starved myself when I was really sad. Now I have been eating cookies and I haven't even made them myself, which is extra bad. I don't even dare to check the scale.

The last few months I have been eating a lot of candy and other carbs, but for some reason I have lost weight anyway. I thought I would get away with it this time too, but I don't think so. I can feel in my body and the way I move that I have gained a couple of kilos. When I was bigger a couple of kilos more or less didn't make any difference. Now I can really feel the change. I feel heavier and my knees are more stiff. I have also been sitting around a lot more, instead of walking and going to the gym.

So, back to the diet. I will bake a cake today, but that will be an exception. We have decided that we both will cut down on almost all carbs. I need it for my weight and overall health and Crissy needs it for controlling her diabetes. There are a lot studies on diabetes type 2 and how you can be medicine free with a diet without carbs. We will try and do our best.

Thinking about myself

2011-08-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

Read the blog of an old colleague, who is soon doing her weight surgery. It's interesting to read about other people's journeys. I can always learn something new about myself by reading about how other people react and feel. That is what this is all about - the journey towards normal weight. Some people think it's just about calories and losing weight, but it's actually more a journey towards being a different person, with a new perspective and new ways to handle situations and your emotions. Of course it's all connected and it's hard to know what started it - what came first, the chicken or the egg...? It may have been bad eating habits from my childhood that created this eating monster who are so sad about her body, or it may have been difficulties handling emotional stress that started the bad eating habits - who knows... No matter what, I have to deal with it all now.

What is so good about losing weight is that you slowly start to view yourself differently. I always thought of myself as a weak person who could never make changes. Now I have, and now I must admit that I can. And if I can make one change I can make a lot of changes - eating habits, dealing with stress, interacting with people, work related issues, emotional baggage... Wow, that would mean that I'm actually a strong person with some kind of control. That is different from a person who is just reacting to things that happen or who are so emotional that there are never logic behind the actions. To view myself differently has an impact on the choices I make. I can choose to not think and just react, or I can choose to think before I act and my action will more likely be a good one.

Of course the outer changes are the visible ones and even those are hard to work through. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who that person is, I still grab the bigger pants in the store, I am still amazed at all the things I can do now and I always put more food on the plate than I can eat. I also talk about my weight a lot, saying "...before I could never...", and sort of motivate myself with saying the changes out loud. Unfortunately I am also obsessed with the scale. Sometimes I weigh myself several times a day, like that would do me any good. I freak out a little when I don't lose any weight for a few, even if I know it's normal, and especially without any working out and a diet with lots of cookies. Still, I am the one making those choices. Maybe I am scared of being normal weight and lose my identity as the "fat woman"... Maybe it's just about the damned lose skin. Yes, that is a problem, but I will write more about that another day. So, lots of things to think about - and here I thought it was all about losing weight and then everything would be easy :-)

Finally under 85

2011-08-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

It takes forever to lose weight, but I guess that's the price I'll have to pay for chocolate, hard candy and cookies, eh? I wish I could leave all of that alone, but maybe it will be better when I start working again, whenever that may be. I hope soonish. So, today I was under 85 kilos for the first time. That was what I weighed when I was 18, one year after moving away from home. Yes, I was a big teenager and going to restaurants and having drinks didn't help. It feels good to be back in that weight class. About 8 is loose skin, according do my ex's doctor, so in real life I weigh 77, which isn't bad at all. It means that I should lose about 10 more and then stabilize before I make any decisions on whether to do skin surgery or not.

Since we bought memberships at the gym we have only been there a few times and only for swimming. We talked about it this morning and I had this idea that we should go every Sunday and then once in the middle of the week, depending on Crissy's schedule. Crissy just shook her head and meant that I wasn't anything to trust when it comes to making gym plans. She's totally right and that sucks. The only time I managed to stick to a gym plan was 2007/2008, when I went there for almost a year and lost about 35 kilos, of which I gained 20 later. Then I tried in early 2009 and then my sister went with me. She's also over weight and we had this idea that if we only went together we would totally do it. We did, but just a few times, and then a few times on my own. It's so hard to get into the rhythm and so easy to say "tomorrow", just because I'm tired after work. Well, now I'm not working, so what excuse do I have now? Someone may call? I need to apply for jobs? Crissy dared me and said that if I went today she would come with me according to a plan, but I had to show that I was willing first.

So I went, and I am so out of shape. When I lost those 35 kilos I went three and sometimes four times a week, right after work. I just parked the car on my way home from work and there it was. To take the subway is harder, but I did it today. Anyway, out of shape. I biked for almost half an hour, which was actually better than before. I only managed 10 min before, and then straight on to the machines. SO half an hour and then machines for almost half an hour. I couldn't handle the weights I did before, so it's obvious that I have lost a lot of muscles. My shoulders are so skinny and inside my loose skin there isn't a muscle. Well, my legs are pretty strong after all the walking I've been doing, and just keeping myself up.

OK, one down, hundreds to go. Crissy works tomorrow too, so I will go again, and then hopefully we can go swimming ion the pool on Sunday. Crissy is so good at that. Long and forceful strokes take her from one side to the other in just a few seconds. I have no idea how many strokes it takes for one lap. I'm so slow, that I feel like an old lady. I don't care though and I fight to manage those 20 laps I have decided to do. At least I'm extremely stubborn. If I only could use it wisely all the time...

Unemployed and losing weight = hard

2011-08-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

I worked for a month and ate very poorly. That resulted in some lost kilos, but I didn't feel well and I ate a lot of sweets to get my energy up. I was so stressed out at the job I had, and didn't sleep well, so I couldn't concentrate at all. I didn't take my vitamins, didn't eat and eventually lost my appetite altogether. That of course resulted in a weight plateau, and I'm still there. Now I haven't worked in a little more than a week and are desperately trying to get back on track. This morning I made menus for the coming two weeks, and it's all LCHF again. This is what we both need - me for my health and weight loss, and Crissy for her diabetes. I also need to stop buying cookies and candy, which have been a big thing the last few weeks. Now I need a sugar detox and several good meals a day again. This is not so much about my weight, since I know I can lose that even without trying so hard. It's about my health. I want to be strong, to have the energy to exercise, to feel alert etc. Oh, we signed up for a membership at a gym, but haven't been there more than a handful of times so far. We have both been swimming, which is a nice form of exercise.

Planning life style change

2011-06-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

We have decided to make another try to cut out most carbs and eat more protein, veggies and good, saturated fat. We will make a weekly menu to add more structure and to know what to buy. This unplanned shopping for groceries only gives us more opportunities to buy things we don't need, like cookies and candy, which is not good foe either of us. Crissy has diabetes and I need to reserve my little pouch for things that gives me energy, vitamins and minerals.

So today I will make a menu suggestion, since I haven't started working yet and thus have more time. After the bumpy first week it will be easier and then we can make the menus together. I started yesterday by looking up nice place to buy good quality veggies, and I think we will go to the Asian supermarkets for proteins. That last choice is just because the organic meat is so extremely expensive in this country. Otherwise we would choose that. We will have to get over the wish to barf when we think about the meat quality, and also eat more sea food, like shrimps and scallops.

The last few days I have also realized that I don't like the taste of the ground beef here. It tastes weird, and it may be because it's too lean or maybe they do something with it. I made meatballs the other day, but from pork. That tastes normal. I used the same for yesterday's chili con carne. The whole beef tastes better, so we can still eat that. None of us eat veal, but we'll try to find good lamb somewhere. Otherwise a lot of the protein will come from beans and lentils. No, not soy beans. They are one of the most over rated products in the world and they use so much weird poisons to farm them, so I don't like it at all. It's the same with margarine, and the canola oil based one is the worst of them. Butter is my choice, even if the buttter here has less fat than it should have.

Craving sweets

2011-06-14T08:46:00.001-07:00

It's so boring to not work and I'm grateful that it's less than two weeks until I start at Starbucks. Being bored makes my normal craving for sweets even larger, and now I also have my period, which makes it even worse. I've been munching on cookies and candy for days now. Unfortunately I opened one of the big tin cans of Swedish ginger bread we brought with us in a moving bow, and unfortunately I found some cookies that I actually like, in a little store a block away. Fortunately the cookies were extremely expensive, so I won't buy more. 10 dollars for twelve! I barely hesitated when I bought them, because I longed for crunchy cookies, which is so hard to find in the country of soft and big cookies. And they were oat and chocolate, a match made in heaven. If I were a millionaire I would probably buy a lot of those bags, because they were delicious (Robyn's Cookies on Ranleigh, close to Yonge), but as it is I will remember them fondly and eventually try to make my own - or probably ask Crissy to make them.
I've been as bad with candy, desperately trying to find something here that I like. I can't find chewy Thornton toffee, and only IKEA has Marabou chocolate, even if it's only the one with DAIM in it. It's almost impossible to find good hard candy, and totally impossible to find hard salt licorice (which I knew of course). It's weird how much I crave the familiar flavors. The candy culture is not the same here though. There isn't any quality bulk candy in every grocery store and video store as I'm used to, that you can pick and mix freely for about 80 cents per 100 grams. Swedish candy culture is very different. We eat more of it, and we totally love the bulk concept. I have never thought that it could be different in another country, and I must say that I miss it. I have found a couple of candy stores though, even if they don't have so much that I like. This is course really a good thing, since I shouldn't eat candy at all :-)
Even with me eating sweets, the weight is good.

93,2!!!!!

2011-06-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

I was so happy this morning when I stood on the scale. 93,2 kilos! That feels amazing. For most people that weight is extremely high, but for me it's like a new life. I'm not only under 100, but getting close to 90, about my sister's weight. I have always been so much bigger than her, and she has even been normal weight for lots of years, so being close to her weight is like starting to see myself in a different light. I can find some clothes for my upper body in normal stores now, so it's only pants that I need to go to 14+ stores for. A couple of more months and that will also be just an unpleasant memory. Well, maybe my loose skin will add so many centimeters that I'll need to go there in the future too, I don't know. We'll see.

Yesterday I was unpacking some boxes in our new apartment and the clothes I had packed and thought I could wear here were all too big, and even the ones that I could never get into before. That was a joyous moment.

Now when we live in our own place again I hope I can get back to normal routines again, with home made meals and less carbs. I also need some kind of exercise, because I have no muscles whatsoever anymore. All in all, things look good.

Under 100!

2011-05-21T14:36:00.000-07:00

A little more than two weeks ago I was under 100 kilos, for the first time since I was twenty. It's a good feeling, but at the same time I don't know if I can really feel it. It's weird. Yes, I can feel the changes and there are things I can do that I couldn't before:

I can walk several blocks without getting tired
I sweat less when it's hot outside
I can walk some short stairs without using the rail to pull myself up
I can sit with one leg crossed over the other
I can buy some clothes in a normal store
My knees feel pretty ok (most of the time)
People don't look at me and comment
I can sit between two people on the bus or subway train without squeezing them to death
I can choose to sit in a chair with armrests without being afraid that I will get stuck
I can sit in the sofa with crossed legs
I can use the seatbelt in the back seat of a car
I can walk out straight through the exit in the subway station, instead of sideways
I can climb the stairs on a streetcar without pulling myself up with both hands
I can sit in a bathtub without being scared that I can't get up again without help

Yes, I can see lot of changes, and when I look in the mirror I can see that I'm not as fat as before. At the same time I feel the same. I still feel ugly, big and clumsy, still expect gangs of teenage boys to comment (which always has been one of the worst things ever) and I get a surprise every time I go into a store and I can find a shirt or pants. It will probably take a while before I can see myself as I am now. I have lived in my prison of fat for so many years, and even if many of the heavy chains are gone I have a hard time seeing myself as free. That won't even change when I am so called normal weight, but is probably a longer process, where I collect good experience and store good memories instead of the old, bad ones.

So,no cause for celebration yet, but I think I can at least smile a little :-)

Still no structure

2011-05-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

It's still hard to make food here. I am trying to do it anyway, but I can't concentrate and think properly, so I end up making terrible food or way too much. We have discussed our food situation in general too, and we're not very pleased with the Canadian groceries. It seems that the meat gets bad very quickly, the milk and yoghurt taste strange and there is still the issue about the non fat butter. Also - the eggs and butter is expensive. It seems that you can buy meat and fish and veggies cheap in the Asian supermarkets, but I have no idea about the quality. They don't have organic veggies, so I guess that's why they are so cheap. The meat looks fine, but I am a little suspicious in general about meat here. C worked at a butcher place many years ago, and she remembers how the stores repack meat and how they sell it when it's old. I don't want to get sick.

What we've decided is to eat mostly vegetarian, and when we buy meat we will buy organic from the farms. I know that I need proteins, but I will try to eat the non organic eggs, even if I am a little disgusted by them, The organic ones are 6,50 for 12, which is more than twice the price I am used to. We'll eat some more beans and lentils too, and try to cook them ourselves instead of buying them in cans (which I did today).

Everything will be easier soon, when we have our own kitchen and pantry, where we have fresh groceries and all the equipment we need. Living in a suitcase is harder than I thought, and also renting a room in a house where no one ever cooks.

The weight then...well, honestly I don't know. I was under 100 kilo a couple of weeks ago, but after that the scale has freaked out. It shows all kinds of results, and it's impossible to make it stay on zero before I weigh myself. In our moving boxes we have a nice and new scale, so I'll try and wait.

I did the measurements today though, since I forgot them at the end of April.

November 30 - measurement started
Chest 125 centimeters
Upper arms 43 centimeters
Waist 136 centimeters
Hips 135 centimeters
Thighs 80 centimeters
Calves 54 centimeters

2011 March 28
Chest 115 centimeters
Waist 120 centimeters
Hips 116 centimeters
Thighs 74 centimeters
Calves 51 centimeters

2011 May 12
Chest 112 centimeters
Waist 120 centimeters
Hips 116 centimeters
Thighs 74 centimeters
Calves 52 centimeters

Not much change, except for my chest. It seems that I lose from top to bottom, so the thighs that I really want to get rid of will probably be last, and covered in several kilos of loose and wrinkly skin.

One last thing - I am trying to fix my body so I don't have so much pain everywhere, so yesterday I went to a Chiropractor, and she will fix my back and neck etc. Today I went to a walk-in clinic with my nice varicose veins, which has given me discoloring in the shin on the right leg. This is not a good thing :-) so he sent a referral to a varicose vein clinic. I may need a surgery. I also consider trying to get the partial knee replacement, but I don't know yet. We'll see how much the Chiropractor can fix first. God, being fat has done a lot of damage, that's for sure.

Right direction

2011-04-18T04:41:00.000-07:00

My weight loss is slow, but at least it moves in the right direction. I'm soon under 100 kilos and I haven't been even close to two numbers since I was twenty. I still have a lot of problems with two things though - remembering to take my pills and eating enough proteins and fat. Of course it has to do with my situation, since we still rent a room and can't really unpack. There isn't a kitchen table, or even a living room table, in this house, so I'm eating on the couch, trying to fend all the dogs away from my plate. This makes me eat too fast, and this has always been a problem for me. It's the same with the meds. Since I don't have any proper place to have my meals I have nowhere to put my meds so I can see them and be remembered. This will of course be solved when we move to our own place, whenever that may be.

The other problem is harder, since it's hard to find cold cuts that aren't "extra lean" or full-fat products. Even the butter is less fatty, and it has trans-fats in it. Yuck! Yes, food is definitely an issue here in Canada. I have seen the commercials on TV where they try to make the Canadian people eat more dairy. Why would they? It doesn't taste very good, it's way to processed and the price is sky high. People can't afford to buy yoghurt and butter, but they can afford to buy chips and fluffy bread. This is not good. Right now I am fighting to get my breakfast down - a small bowl of bitter plain yoghurt with only 3% fat, a few pieces of fresh pineapple and a crushed Swedish crisp roll (since I still haven't found a cereal that I like).

Are there good things with Canada on the food front? I guess there are, but I am freaking out a little about the prices, and the fact that everything gets bad so fast. We found a couple of big Chinese grocery stores, and they have really cheap meat and veggies. I have no idea about the quality of the meat, but people in there look healthy enough, so it's probably ok even if it's cheap. The veggies aren't organic but they are very, very cheap, which is a good thing right now.

I'll come back later with a report on my hunt for fatty products.

Measurements

2011-03-29T17:08:00.000-07:00

There is no order in my life at all. Since we have lived in a suitcase for many, many weeks now, there has been just a few days with cooking, and almost no day at all when I eat as I should. I can't manage living in a suitcase and eat well. The snacks are almost extinct, and I eat a sandwich for breakfast instead of just protein and fat. Sometimes dinner is also a sandwich. It's a real bummer. I seem to be losing a little weight anyway, but it's not the way I wanna do it. To that I can't seem to get any water down, unless I buy the bottled water, which feels like a waste, and I need a car to fetch it. The water here tastes like it's coming from a swimming pool, and I can't drink it without wanting to puke. I must find a solution. This evening I'm boiling water and then I'm gonna put it in the fridge. The worst of all is that I'm not eating my vitamins. When they're not on the kitchen table I forget them, and we have no kitchen table where we live now - or living room table.

Ok, enough of the complaining. Now the measurements:

November 30 - measurement started
Chest 125 centimeters
Upper arms 43 centimeters
Waist 136 centimeters
Hips 135 centimeters
Thighs 80 centimeters
Calves 54 centimeters

2011 Februari 28
Chest 116 centimeters
Waist 122 centimeters
Hips 122 centimeters
Thighs 76 centimeters
Calves 52 centimeters (must be all the walking!)

2011 March 28
Chest 115 centimeters
Waist 120 centimeters
Hips 116 centimeters
Thighs 74 centimeters
Calves 51 centimeters

Not bad, eh?

Ok then, some measurements at least

2011-03-01T05:47:00.000-08:00

In the middle of moving, but I could find some time to measure my glorious body :-)

November 30
Chest 125 centimeters
Upper arms 43 centimeters
Waist 136 centimeters
Hips 135 centimeters
Thighs 80 centimeters
Calves 54 centimeters

December 30
Chest 119 centimeters
Upper arms 42 centimeters
Waist 130 centimeters
Hips 128 centimeters
Thighs 77 centimeters
Calves 51 centimeters

2011 January 30
Chest 117 centimeters
Upper arms 42 centimeters
Waist 127 centimeters
Hips 127 centimeters
Thighs 77 centimeters
Calves 48 centimeters

2011 Februari 28
Chest 116 centimeters
Waist 122 centimeters
Hips 122 centimeters
Thighs 76 centimeters
Calves 52 centimeters (must be all the walking!)

Moving

2011-02-23T23:29:00.000-08:00

I'm not gonna post in a few weeks, since I'm moving to Canada :-)

OMG!

2011-02-15T07:51:00.000-08:00

I'm fighting to regain some kind of self control, but even though I decide every morning to not have anything sweet, I still end up eating it. Yesterday evening we were having people over, so Crissy had made a lime pie. I had decided to have a little piece and I had. The problem was the afternoon. We went out for a walk after lunch and we ended up at a espresso place. Crissy wanted some coffee. I should have ordered a cup of tea, but suddenly I wanted hot chocolate. That could have been fine, but we ended up with three mini Valentine cupcakes - and they weren't even good! Today I swore that I wouldn't have anything sweet at all, but after lunch we were sitting in bed, watching Battlestar Galactica, and I had some tea. Could I have just the tea? NO! I ate one oatmeal cookie and one other little sweet pastry. WTF!
Now I need to regroup my inner forces and start to think about the goal. Last week I didn't lose any weight at all, and this week it was barely one kilo. This is not acceptable. Crissy sad yesterday that the way I'm acting I might destroy the effect of the surgery. I'm not sure that I can, but I'm sure I can stop the weight loss. Do I want that? Am I afraid of getting back to normal weight? I don't know what's up, but I need to work on this, need to get through this rough spot.

Still fighting

2011-02-07T22:14:00.000-08:00

Last week was a little better. I could at least handle some of the craving for sweets, even if I ended up buying a bag of English Toffees on Saturday, after being to the hair salon. I blame it on bad planning. When I left the salon I was so hungry that I couldn't think. Instead of buying a hot dog I suddenly stood inside the candy store, and when I was there I couldn't resist. Sometimes it's like my body does things my brain isn't agreeing to. Of course I should have thrown the candy away when I came home, and could think clearly again, but instead I eat them. What was worse, and which I could kick myself for, was that Crissy had some too. She has diabetes, for god's sake, and I bring shit like that home. Yes, yes, it's her responsibility, but I'm not much of a help, am Ì? So here I sit, full of guilt, trying to figure out how to resist the next urge...

Measurements 3

2011-01-31T06:48:00.000-08:00

Ok, another round with the measuring tape, trying hard to not let it sink deeply into the flesh :-)

November 30
Chest 125 centimeters
Upper arms 43 centimeters
Waist 136 centimeters
Hips 135 centimeters
Thighs 80 centimeters
Calves 54 centimeters

December 30
Chest 119 centimeters
Upper arms 42 centimeters
Waist 130 centimeters
Hips 128 centimeters
Thighs 77 centimeters
Calves 51 centimeters

2011 January 30
Chest 117 centimeters
Upper arms 42 centimeters
Waist 127 centimeters
Hips 127 centimeters
Thighs 77 centimeters
Calves 48 centimeters

Results again, even if the scale barely moves!!!

Trying to get a grip

2011-01-30T21:18:00.000-08:00

For the last two weeks I've been trying to control my sweet cravings - with mixed success. Most days, at least when I'm working, it's just fine. I don't even think about it during the days. Then the evenings come, and I get weaker. Maybe one of the solutions is to have so many damaging things at home. As it is, there is ice cream, candy and chocolate bars. Yes, I've bought it myself, so the next step is to stop buying things like that. When I'm craving, and go to the store, I always fall for offerings like "two for one price" and shit like that. Last Friday I was shopping on my way home from work. I wasn't hungry, since I had had lunch with my collegues, but the lunch hadn't been satisfying at all. The flavours were almost non-existing, and that made me want something else. On the way downtown, on foot, I was fine. Then I went to the bank, and suddenly it was over 4. I was starting to get hungry - and craving. When I went to the store I was already halfway to the isles of candy. At first I handled it, but then I saw a sign - "Marabou Chocolate - 10 kronor". That is my favorite Swedish chocolate, and it was half price. Not that it should matter, but the thought was there, and I was like a robot. Two of the 200 gram bars labded in my cart, and already on the way home I was munching on a piece.
For dinner that day, C tried to kill me with a new version of Kung Pao. The last time it was spicy, but still manageable for a little Swede, but this time I thought I was going to die. I could barely breathe, and my tongue was on fire. My solution was to wait a little after the meal, and then eat vanilla ice cream with bananas fried in sirop and cinnamon. It was very nice, but a little later my tummy hurt and I was puking my guts outs. WTF! Of course I now think that this won't happen again, but I can't trust myself sometimes, so I can't say for sure. All I can promise is to try to plan better.

Hormonal week

2011-01-17T22:16:00.000-08:00

Having my period is so damaging for my diet. I totally lose control over my eating habit for a couple of days before, during those five days and a couple of days after. That means more than one week of fighting every impulse, and losing a lot of those fights. Afterwards I feel so bad, and almost always I don't lose any weight. The same this time. Last night was the end of that period, with dinner and then a piece of Pavlova afterwards, and with salt liqourice as a snack in the afternoon. Last weekend was also bad, with buns and a lot of other carbs. Now I need to turn the ship around, so I can gather some strength, and lose some weight until the next time. I'll need to find some way of dealing with those periods, so I can handle them better, but right now I don't know how. This week will be hard, but I know I can do it. So - meatballs tonight, and no damned dessert at all!

I'm walking, I'm walking

2011-01-13T08:06:00.000-08:00

These last couple of weeks I've been walking a little more than before, and the last two days even more. Now it's not a couple of blocks, and then I die, but through half the city (it's a small one) and then I feel invigorated. It's a great feeling! After half an hour I get a little stiff in my knees, but they don't hurt so much at all. Not even close to what it was like before the surgery. It's amazing how much 23 kilos less can do. I will need to lose a lot more weight before I'm done, so I expect me to see other changes too. Yes, I knew they were gonna come, but it's one thing to read about what to expect and try to imagine what it will feel, and another to actually be there and do it. The other day I also noticed another difference - I can sit with my legs crossed :-)

Oh no!

2011-01-12T22:20:00.001-08:00

I was at the hospital as planned the day before yesterday, and there I met a surgeon. He was very friendly and explained things well to me, but he couldn't fix my knees - not now. He said that I'm too young, and that I need to lose more weight. I told him about koving to Canada in March, and he understood the urgency, and that I wanted to fix at least one knee before I leave, but he couldn't anyway. The healing process is not as good as it should be when you're very over weight, and the body can also push the metal thing away. The last reason was that I can't fly in at least three months after that surgery, and then everything else falls, since I must leave before March 12.

I was bummed the whole day, and yesterday too, but now I have accepted facts. Too bad though. He said that I will get better when I lose more weight, and that I can start walking more. I've always been so scared of the pain, and thought that walking was bad for me, but he said that if I can just push past the pain, it's good for me. So walking has been my thing the last two days :-)

Off to the hospital

2011-01-10T20:07:00.000-08:00

In a couple of hours I will take the bike down to the central station, and hopefully the ice on the streets has melted. I'm off to the hospital in Hässleholm, a little town an hour away. I used to work there a few years ago, but haven't been there since then. Today I will visit a knee surgeon and talk about the possibility of getting a surgery before we leave for Canada. It all depends on whether they can squeeze me in soonish, and if the rehab afterwards will allow me to walk by the end of February. I've read somewhere that it will take six weeks to walk normally again, but I don't know of that is without crutches or not. I so wish that I had done all this a few years back - the gastric bypass and then both my knees, but the truth is that I didn't really care about myself then.

The thought of a knee surgery is a bit scary. They'll need to dig in there and replace the whole of it, or parts, with a metal prosthesis. Yes, I know I'll live, and even walk, without pain after that, but still... Terminator Rosie, that's me. Well, a full report later.

Good week

2011-01-09T21:55:00.000-08:00

Last week worked really fine. I barely had anything sweet at all. Rather, I didn't until the weekend, but my period is on its way and I was craving, so I baked a Swiss roll with butter cream and cloud berry jam yesterday. It was delicious, but I only had two slices. On Saturday I had ice cream. As a whole it was an ok weekend though, but still, after a pretty good week, I only lost 1 kilo. Can it be the water? Or is it just that I can excersize worth shit? Ok, calm down, Rosie. You're losing weight, even if it's slow.

To lose more than the one kilo every week, I would probably need to do something drastically better. The first thing I will do is to change my breakfast habits. This morning I was totally barfy after my sandwich. I think it was too big for my pouch, and the texture of soft bread is probably not good either. Tomorrow morning I'll throw away my home baked wort bread and start with rye crisp again - one slice with some protein on. I will also try another week without sweets, and try to prolong the week to the weekend too. Cross your fingers for my success!

Ugh!

2011-01-04T22:13:00.001-08:00

It's hard to withstand the call of the sirens, a k a sweets. Monday was ok, but last night after dinner - oh god, what I wanted something sweet to round it off. Somehow I managed to swallow and just work it through, and as a later snack I instead had a rye bread with Christmas ham and pickled gurkins. That was of course so much better than what I really wanted...ginger bread, chocolate, saffron buns and ice cream. Truthfully I would even have eaten candy that I don't like at that point. I had to draw from my reserves to be strong enough, but I did it. It will be easier after a few days, but these first days of withdrawel are hard. Really, I don't need anything sweet, but I have this urge to chew on things or have things in my mouth. No, chewing gum won't work. I'm not so fond of that, and it reinforces my chewing reflexes. Tea is probably the one thing that helps, but it was a little too late last night to bother with a pot of tea. That's gonna be the first thing I will make tonight, while cooking. Risotto and flanksteak with caper sauce is on the menu. That's a nice Epiphany Eve dinner. Tomorrow is Epiphany Day and I will make some kind of stew, or maybe lasagna.

Oh, the holy lasagna - my favorite dish in the world. Well, maybe Crissy's sweet and sour fish, or chicken or pork is starting to take a higher position on my list. I don't know. I like food, and I always will. The thing is that I need to continue to just eat what I really like, instead of filling the little pouch with anything. So, more planning, more cooking, and never forgetting to bring lunch to work. Yesterday I ended up with a crappy home made pizza, that my clients had made on Monday. It basically tasted...nothing, and that was probably one of the reasons why I was craving everything last night. Today we'll have pasta salad for lunch with the clients. I will make sure to fix a spicy dressing to it, and then I will be happy.

Fighting the Christmas devil

2011-01-03T21:29:00.000-08:00

It's been a terrible few weeks when it comes to food and eating. The Christmas totally interupted my rhythm and self control. I've been eating like a pig for weeks, and I've paid for it by not losing as much weight as I should have. Half a kilo this week is pathetic, so now I need to get back on track. I've had ginger bread, saffron buns and chocolate almost every day, and this weekend I even bought ice cream! Now I need a complete sugar detox, and even if it's gonna be hard I will do it. Yesterday I had no sweets at all, except for a little drizzle of honey on the American pancake I had for dessert at a friend's place last night. The meal was spinach soup though, so as a whole it was healthy :-)

My hardest challenge is at work, where all the things that are bad for me are available all the time, and I have no Crissy to give me a look when I reach for something. We talked about that this morning. She needs to cut down on sweets too, so I asked if it would help if I remind her of her goal, when she digs into the Nutella. She said no. I have changed in that respect though. With my ex I always got grumpy, and almost hissed, when she tried to tell me that she thought that I had had enough of candy or cakes. I felt accused and got all angry. Of I refused to listen and took one more cookie instead, just to show who was in charge of my eating. Very childish, but I acted like a drug addict when someone tries to reason and talk about the dangers - totally defending the bad habit. With Crissy I'm different. If she points out that I've had enough, I pout a little and then I stop what I'm doing. I think it's because I know that her concern comes from love and caring, and I trust her judgement in everything. That makes her comments less threatening, and more like advice that I know I should follow.

Well, so this week is detox week - cross your fingers for my success!

Reflections from reading on the forum

2010-12-30T21:16:00.000-08:00

I've just read quite a few posts on the Ontarian Weight Op Forum. It's such a nice place to get inspired. A minute ago I saw yet another one of those before and after posts. The change was remarkable. She used to be my size I think, but taller. Now she's thin and can wear high boots! I don't know how many times I've looked at those boots. Now they have these nice tough looking ones, with studs and other metal parts, and I can't buy any because of my fat calves. It's the snowiest winter in many, many years, and I walk around in Reebok sneakers. Yes, I could buy a new pair of low boots, but since I have artrosis in a toe (yes, it sounds silly, but it's painful)I need soles that are hard as rock. Those are hard to find, so I'll rather wait until I can get hard soles AND high boots. which means next winter. I hope there isn't a meter of snow the day we move to Canada, because then I'm going to get my feet wet :-)

Anyway, this post with pictures also told about the changes and the things she can do now, like borrowing a sweater, having a bath and being emerged in water, sit in any chair she wants etcetera. I can already see some of the changes in me, so I can start feeling a little what it will be like when I'm at my goal. I need to focus more on that goal, since I'm not eating well enough. I skip snacks, don't drink enough water, eat too fast and don't chew enough. A few weeks ago I was taking the bike to help my sister selling her own designed silver jewelery at the Christmas Fair. I was late, so I grabbed a saffron bun and ate it quickly. On my bike I started to feel sick and I could barely breathe. Just a couple of blocks later I needed to vomit. Since I was late I didn't want to go back home, so I grabbed the seat cover from the snow covered bike basket on the handle bars, puked in it and put it back in the snow. When I reached my sister's stall I puked again. The snow was yellow from saffron. It wasn't a pretty sight and it wasn't funny at all. After that I've been trying to eat a little slower. The funny thing about this story is that my bike seat cover was stolen the week after :-)

Measurements 2

2010-12-29T21:29:00.000-08:00

Now it's been exactly a month since I measured some body parts, and even if I don't think the changes are that great on the scale, it may be that there are some changes anyway ........... and here is the result:

November 30
Chest 125 centimeters
Upper arms 43 centimeters
Waist 136 centimeters
Hips 135 centimeters
Thighs 80 centimeters
Calves 54 centimeters

December 30
Chest 119 centimeters
Upper arms 42 centimeters
Waist 130 centimeters
Hips 128 centimeters
Thighs 77 centimeters
Calves 51 centimeters

Pretty good eh? If my skin were tighter I'm sure the results would have been even better, but the width of my upper arms is almost ther same, except that it's mostly floppy skin instead of all fat. It's the same with my thighs. No matter what, I'm pleased. The pants that were tight this summer are hanging, so the day before yeasterday I bought a belt. It wouldn't do to stand in line at a mall, and then suddenly hear laughter behind you, look down and see your pants at the ancles. That would be bad :-) Well, it's a nice problem to have.

Christmas is over

2010-12-26T22:13:00.000-08:00

Finally the three days of Christmas is over. I loved every second of it of course. To be free for some extra days, and be with Crissy a little more, that's wonderful. The relieved sigh is more about the food, or rather the candy. I have eaten way too much chocolate and other Christmas candy. When it's there it just goes down the hatch without me even thinking about it, except for afterwards. I haven't felt bad about it though, because I know there is know permanent damage, and that I actually lost weight anyway. No matter what, it's nice that a lot of it is gone. We do have several boxes of truffles left in the fridge, but I don't feel as compelled to eat those as I do with the "knäck" (a Swedish Christmas toffee that is extremely chewy) and the milk chocolate in the traditional Christmas box "Paradis".

On Christmas Eve Crissy and I were alone. We cooked a ham, made potato mash with gravy, and also had green beeans with garlic, and a European speciality - black salsify, or black root as it's called here in Sweden. For dessert Crissy made one of her childhood favorites - leche flan. Oh god, that was so yummy! On Christmas Day my mom and sister came over, and we made a roasted rooster, mushroom risotto, stuffed Portabellas, roasted veggies and a red beet salad. My sister is a vegan, so we had to eat a lot of veggies. Not that I mind though. I like veggies. Btw - the rooster was absolutely fabulous. It was so much tastier than a turkey. Also the risotto was delicious, so we were pleased. As a dessert we had a French Christmas log, made of mousse and ganache. Nice :-)

Now it's soon New Years, but that is not such an extreme food weekend, so I'm not worried.

Need control

2010-12-19T21:54:00.000-08:00

Sure, I lost some weight last week, but I'm not really pleased with myself. I think I don't want to lose weight faster than I do, so my mind can adapt to my body getting smaller, but I have no real control over my eating, which makes me angry at myself. Last week, even if it was less than the week befoer, was filled with ginger bread, saffron buns and chocolate. At the same time I forget about my healthier snacks, and I still don't drink enough water. Yes, there is still tea, but it's not enough. I need to fix this, but I don't know how. Some people would say that you just have to decide and then do it, but I've always been weak when it comes to sweets. I will try though, even with Christmas coming. Most of all I freak out because I know that Crissy is worried. She thinks that I'm gonna be one of those people who destroys what the surgery has done - expand the pouch, gain weight etcetera. That's not gonna happen, but I have some work to do before I can say that I'm in control and that I feel safe with having sweets at home and not eating it.

Swedish Julbord (Christmas Smorgasbord)

2010-12-12T23:11:00.001-08:00

This is a hard period for a dieting Swede. The week before last I was at the division's "julbord". It wasn't a big one, and the things served wasn't that good either, so it was easy to not overeat.

The next temptation was a last Friday, when some of my colleagues and I went to a treatment home for women. We cooperate with them and they had invited us for Christmas lunch. This was a much better "julbord", with home made food, so I ate a little too much. I didn't eat so much that I couldn't breath though, and I didn't feel sick either, so I did pretty good.

Next one was yesterday, when my colleagues and our spouses had "julbord" with our clients and their children. Luckily I wasn't that hungry, adn it was also so much to choose from that I kind of got lost and ended up not wanting as much as I normally want. I had a few small pieces of pickled herring on my first plate. the second plate I loaded with a slice of ham, a piece of smoked lamb hock, a tiny meatball, a slice of Christmas pork sausage with mustard and one spoonful of Janssons Frestelse (an oven dish with potatoes, onions, pickled anjovis and heavy cream). Then I was full! Ok, I ended up with a little plate with some candy too. Not that I had any room in my pouch, but it's a tradition that is hard to resist. There weren't so many pieces though. Two pieces of "knäck", one marshmallow gnome, one peppermint, two fruit jellies - and one mini almond tartalette with whipped cream, and my favorit - coudberry jam. When I see the list it seems like I had a lot, but it was really small pieces, and I felt fine afterwards. We finished the afternoon with an hour of bowling.

Now the hardest thing is to not eat ginger bread all day. I have a weak spot there. Normally, when it's not on every table, I can have one or two cookies and be fine. Today is "Lucia" though, and there are saffron buns and ginger bread everywhere. I had one saffron bun, but it didn't taste anything, so there will be no more. Ginger bread - ugh. I've already had about ten of them, so now I feel a bit sick and can't have anymore, which is sort of a relief.

There is a Christmas party on friday night, but I'm skipping that one, and then we have Christmas itself. Crissy and I will be alone on Christmas Eve. She has to work until noon. I'm free of course. Most people are, since it's a paid free day here in Sweden, and also the most important day. When Crissy comes home we'll have lunch and then some sort of lighter dinner and candy. On Christmas Day my mother and sister will come. Since my sister is a vegan and my mother don't like any other meat than poultry, we'll probably have goose and a lot of veggie dishes, and home made candy. We've made several kinds of truffles already. There there is Boxer Day, and that is normally a day of left overs. So... lots of temptations during December. Then it's New Years Eve and Day, and a few days later Epiphany Eve and Day... Thank god we've moved when it's time for five days of Easter!

Looking at myself

2010-12-07T22:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I answered a post on a weight forum. It was about a woman who had seen a picture of herself, and afterwards she had immediately looked for something to eat. She sounded sad about what she had seen on the picture. In my answer I pointed out that she could try to see herself as a strong person who has decided to do something about the way she looks, and then she may feel better and see herself in a more positive light. It’s a beautiful thought, but afterwards I started to think about how I feel about the way I look. The truth is that I don’t feel beautiful, but I feel pretty good about myself anyway. I have a strong and warm personality, and I can be quite funny, which are what people notice more than the way I look.

The other day, when I measured myself, I felt like a freak. Normally I don’t think about myself that way. Oh, of course I know that I’m not a pretty sight when I’m naked. I have no illusions about looking good when my skin is already wrinkled, my boobs are saggy and with lots of varicose veins – the kind that. My skin is very soft though and I have nice shoulders and neck.

With my clothes on it’s a different story. Yes, I’m fat, but I have a nice, even brilliant, smile. I like my little straight nose, and my ears are perfectly shaped. I also like my hands. They’re small and very soft. My lips are full and someone once told me that it’s “kissable”. My face as a whole is totally ok, and even if I don’t see myself as pretty, I know that I’m not butt ugly either. Crissy often says that I’m adorable. Of course she’s biased, but it feels good to hear it.

I actually try to think about myself differently than before, and skip a lot of that self despising stuff that I used to do, like always thinking about myself as worthless and not deserving to be loved. Now I can stand naked in front of the bed room mirror, look at myself and try to think that I do deserve everything good, and remind myself that I have succeeded in life. I have had a good career, found the love of my life and are appreciated for what I can achieve as well as a person. When I think like that I look at myself and smile, thinking that I’m lucky.

So I guess my words to the woman on the weight forum are applicable on myself too then. That’s good. Otherwise I would feel like a fake. I’m not.

Crazy week

2010-12-06T06:29:00.000-08:00

Last week was not a good one. I haven't eaten so many stupid things since the surgery, but last week I went overboard with saffron buns, ginger bread and candy. It may have been that I was ovulating, but it could also be about not having any control whatsoever. Now I feel bad about it. And I didn't drink water either. Well, some tea, but water - no. No wonder I haven't lost anything this week. I feel ashamed over my lack of will power and will try to get back in control this week. I can't afford to not lose weight, since I wanna look good when it's time to look for work in Toronto. Crissy warned me that they may be negative if I'm fat, and that it may mean that it will be harder for me to get a job. I guess it's the same everywhere. So - control, control, control!

Measurements 1

2010-11-30T05:33:00.000-08:00

Today I measured my body. I should have done that before I started to lose weight, but I forgot it. So today I went in to the bathroom at work and did it. OMG! It feels bad to think about it, and even more to write it down, but here it is:

Chest 125 centimeters
Upper arms 43 centimeters
Waist 136 centimeters
Hips 135 centimeters
Thighs 80 centimeters
Calves 54 centimeters

When I look at the numbers I feel even bigger than before, and also like some kind of monster. The thighs are worst, but that's the part of me that I've always felt really sad about. Maybe it wasn't a good thing to do right now, but it's too late and I have to deal with it.

To make me feel better I will try to concentrate on that I know I'm a bit smaller now than before I started with the gastric bypass process. Too bad I don't know how much. It was stupid of me to not measure, because it may have changed more than I can see on the scale. Oh well, a couple of more months and I can see some more results.

Barely one kilo

2010-11-29T22:34:00.000-08:00

Last week I barely lost one kilo. The scale was not completely at 114, but it's a crappy one, so it's hard to know the right number. I think I need to pay more attention to what I eat. I fall too easily for temptations. Yesterday after work I met Crissy, and we stopped at Espresso House before going home. I had a hot chocolate and a half cookie. Then we went home and I made soup. After dinner I had four pieces of chocolate and two ginger bread cookies. This is not good. I should have other snacks instead and plan better. I need to change that already today. Less carbs it is, jst as I decided a couple of weeks ago. I want to be under 100 kilos before we move, but then I need to beahve better. Maybe my stomach feels a little too good, and I don't dump on anything. Sometimes I wish that I could dump on sugar. That would make it all so much easier, but I guess there are no short cuts. Trying to find them is what has felled me before. This time I will lose weight no matter what, but I need to lose it faster so I can start exercise and get muscles. The faster I lose the better it is for my knees too. I felt it yesterday when we walked home from down town. It's not more than a few blocks, but it didn''t hurt so much, and I walked faster than normally. That should be enough to behave, so I'll try to think positive thoughts every time I want something sweet. Maybe I could go back to having cookies only on the weekends. That was a good thing. HAving a rule to follow during the week, and then having something to look forward to.

Sweets

2010-11-24T21:56:00.000-08:00

It's really hard to keep away from anything sweet. I will always have a sweet tooth, I guess. I wonder how much damage it does with a little piece of chocolate sometimes... Yesterday it was too much though. I was visiting one of my clients and her employer, and her employer gave me a couple of chocolate pralines, since I don't drink coffee. My client works in a place where they sell those things. I found it hard to say no, so I had one white chocolate praline with cardemum and "glögg", and one dark chocolate praline with pear cognac. Yummy, but I felt a little bad afterwards, not being able to say no. When I came home, Crissy had bought my favorite Danish rum filled praline, so I could have something sweet after our steak dinner. It was delicious. At least I didn't have a cookie too :-)

I don't know if it's necessary to keep away from all things sweet, or if it's only about eating it at the right times, and not so much. I seem to lose weight anyway, even if it isn't as much as I expected. Can it really be the sweets that are slowiong it down, or is it just me and my metabolism? I've read that there are others too, who lose more slowly, and not the 3 kilos a week some said I would lose. Maybe I'm normal and the others are the exceptions...

Easier

2010-11-23T22:02:00.000-08:00

I had to take the bus instead of biking today, because of the snow. Normally it would have been a pain in the ass to walk, and my knees would have protested loudly. Now it wasn't such a big deal. I walk slowly, but I'm still fat, so I don't expect me to be able to run, but I wasn't huffing and puffing, and it didn't hurt. I'm smiling when I think what wonders another 17 kilos can make!

It's also easier with clothes this winter. The jacket I had last winter was very tight around my butt, but now I can have a thick sweater too, and still have no problems with the zipper. My jeans that were so tight last winter is loose in the thighs and I can breathe properly without the button breaking. People have begun to comment, saying that I look thinner. I can rise easier from the couch. My back is aching less. My artrosis in one of the toes is more or less gone.

Life is good!

Why so slow?

2010-11-21T22:27:00.000-08:00

I still lose weight way too slow, and I still don't know why. More or less all the carbs are out from my diet, even if I had a little ice cream, a cookie and a piece of cake this weekend. Oh, and a few pieces of fried potatos yesterday morning too. Nothing major though. I still don't drink enough water, and of course my stupid knees prevent me from exercising more than biking as often as I can.

I need to have patience now and just keep going. Drinking more water would probably help, and continue to staying away from most of the carbs. Maybe it's a good thing to lose weight slowly, because of my skin, but I don't know. Maybe it doesn't make any difference whatsoever. Well, I guess I need to be content that the scale is moving in the right direction, and just repress my wish to be thin before this spring. Ugh...

Fighting nausea

2010-11-18T07:09:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling sick a lot lately, and I throw up foamy flegm. It's probably what I have written about before; that I eat too fast and chew too little. I have no idea how to fix this. Looking at the clock doesn't work, because then time moves even slowly. Reading is a little ok, but that is just for the breakfast. Otherwise it doesn't really work. A lot to think about.

Slow but steady

2010-11-16T21:57:00.000-08:00

So, I'm losing a little every week. It's definitely not the land slide I expected, and I still don't know why it's not, but at least the arrow points down. I've skipped most of the carbs for a couple of days now, and it's not really hard. Mostly I've been a little barfy so I haven't really felt like eating anyway. I still eat crisps for breakfast though. The yoghurt that I used to eat makes me barfy. There is something about the smell. That will of course pass and then I can skip carbs for breakfast too. The hardest is the sweet things, and I guess I'll always have my sweet tooth. This of course has to be mastered. When I've lost all the weight I want and need to, I can introduce a little cookie now and then, but for now I need to avoid as much as I can with sugar.

The coming Christmas is a hard time for a dieting Swede. We're a people who eat a lot of sweets normally. You know the small pieces you pick and chose yourself and fill bags with. Here we have big tubs with scoops and we can mix it however we want to. A Swedish favorite is of course salt or sweet licorice, but everything else goes down too - like milk chocolate. The quality is mostly very good. At Christmas, as well as Easter, our candy eating is peaking. We buy big boxes of chocolate pralines - Alladin from Marabou is almost sacred. We also eat a lot of cakes and cookies. Gingerbread (pepparkakor)is part of the staple food in December, as well as saffron buns (lussekatter). Both are my absolute favorites. I can do well without candy, but the smell of fresh gingerbread can make me go into a spin, and going into a store where there are fresh saffron buns in every corner, just makes me wanna grab a few and never mind the little pouch. This will of course not happen, but the feeling is there and it goes deep into my Swedish soul. Soon we'll need to plan what to eat for Christmas, and it will probably be a mix of Swedish and Canadian.

In Sweden we have three free days at Christmas. Christmas Eve is the most important day, and that is when we give presents, watch cartoons and feast on ham, cheese, salmon, meatballs, head cheese, ribs, patées, sausages - and of course hundreds of diffrently pickled herrings. Christmas Day is a slower day when we eat left overs, or maybe add Janssons Frestelse (a wonderful dish that includes potatoes, cream, onions and anjovis). Boxing day is a true day of left overs. So - we'll have to think carefully about this. My little pouch makes me wanna eat only the most necessary - and maybe a little piece of chocolate too. It's anly Christmas once a year.

Then I'll deal with all the other holidays, when we're also free - two days at New Years, two days at Epiphany, and four days at Easter, and... no, by then I'll be living in Canada and there will be different holidays :-)

Good suggestions!

2010-11-14T10:57:00.000-08:00

Someone on the Ontarian weight op forum gave me a very good idea about how to avoid carbs. She said that I should eat the protein first, then the veggies and carbs only if I have any room left. That is so smart. Proteins is the most important thing to eat, since I need them to build muscles. The muscles are needed extra much to avoid some of the wrinkly skin. I will never be able to get taut skin, since I have stretch marks, but I'm prepared to do all I can to make it a little better. Veggies - of course for the vitamins, but also for taste. Carbs for dinner is mostly a carrier for sauce, but I guess I can eat that with a tea spoon :-)

This forum is a good place. You can read about how others do it, but also ask questions. Someone else suggested that I could join a support group when we move to Toronto. That is also a good idea. A way to get new friends, but also to get help and help others.

Thinking about carbs

2010-11-13T01:23:00.000-08:00

Since I have barely lost any weight since I had the surgery, I'm trying to figure out what it can be about - and I think it's about carbs. These last few weeks I've eaten a lot of them. Well, I don't eat a lot of anything, but a big portion of what I eat is carbs. For breakfast it's crisps, or yoghurt with cereals. For mid morning snack i's a crisp with some meat on. For lunch it's some meat or fish, a little veggies, and rice or pasta. Afternoon snack is a piece of bread or even a small cinnamon bun or cookie. For dinner I have abut the same as for lunch. Evening snack can be worse - a cookie, some ice cream, pieces of chocolate... You get the picture? That's it! I don't eat well at all, even if the portions are so much smaller.

Crissy, who has type 2 diabetes, and I talked this morning and agreed that we both need to do this differently. That means cut out carbs as much as possible, without being a zealot (one of Crissy's favorite words right now), and above all try to find new recipes instead of what we normally use, and are pretty tired of. We need to look more to seasonal veggies, different kind of meat, try new fish dishes - and all without carbs. We may not need to eat LCHF, but close to it, with good fat from butter, cream and olive oil - and lots of protein. We need to eat more eggs and bacon for breakfast, and less crisps. We need to stop eating cookies and buns, and try other things like berries and cream, instead. Of course we can eat a potato now and then, or even some rice, but not every day and not even every week.

When we ate like this for a month, I lost weight and Crissy had normal blood sugar results, so we have nothing to lose. For me the fat is no problem, since I don't seem to dump on anything - except for when I eat or drink to fast. I've ordered a cook book with recipes for food they ate before the food industry took over, and before we started to use a lot of grains. So, this week it starts - menus, seasonal food, taking time with planning, cooking and eating. In a couple of months we'll have the answer :-)

Losing too little

2010-11-08T10:33:00.000-08:00

I only lost a half kilo this week. Yes, I know it takes time for the body to start losing more, since my body is still recovering, but I wonder if it's my fault or if it's a normal reaction. One of my ex colleagues did the surgery 10 weeks ago and she has now lost 28 kilos. The first three weeks after the surgery she didn't lose anything, and the fourth week she gained 1,5 kilos. After that it's been a nice weight loss every week. I hope that will be the case for me too. Maybe I shouldn't eat anything sweet at all, and cut the carbs totally. And then the water... Oh well, I guess it will all right in the end.

Eating too fast - and too little

2010-11-03T04:20:00.001-07:00

Now I have to start paying attention to what I do. I have a tendency to eat too little, and it may be because I eat too fast. The tummy then react with feeling sick, and I have to stop eating. For now it's no problem, but eventually I will of course get too little proteins, fat and vitamins. So how can I fix this? In the beginning, after I came home from the hospital, I looked at the clock and took the twenty minutes they recommended. Then I got impatient, and tired of eating cold food, so I started to speed it up a bit, testing my limits. This has resulted in a couple of times when I have thrown up. The last time it happened was today. I was going to another town in an errand with work, and before my colleague and I got in the car I suddenly remembered that I needed a mid morning snack, since we wouldn't return until close to lunch time. I had planned badly, so I thought a banana would be a good choice.

Since I was in a hurry I more or less breathed in half of it, and then it was stop and I threw the rest of it away. Of course I could have eaten it calmly while I was driving, but when I'm stressed I tend to stop thinking and do what I've always done. We got in the car I started to feel sick and had trouble breathing properly. Two blocks later I had to pull off and open the door - and I puked up the banana, on the street and on my jacket. My poor colleague, who already was a little quesy for knowing that I felt sick, almost lost her breakfast. Poor girl! Afterwards it felt a little better.

Now I have just finished a little lunch - three small meatballs in tomato sauce. Wise from the morning I ate them slowly and tried to chew properly. I felt a little sick already after one, but I knew that I had to eat more, so I breathed deeply and continued. I feel pretty ok now, but I'm so thirsty. That's the hardest thing of all - to not be able to drink during the meals. In between I forget. Now I just need to remember the afternoon snack and then eat slowly tonight. Puking is a hard lesson, but it will probably take more than that to change a lifetime of bad eating habits.

First day at work

2010-11-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, the sweet days are over. No more staying home, fixing things, having a nap and walking around in my sweats. Today was my first day at work, and it was pretty ok. I really like my work mates, so that was no problem. No, the weird thing was that just an hour into the day I had a fever, and I was so cold that I had to get an extra radiator. Brrrr! Maybe it was more stressful than I had imagined, and I always react with fever when I get stressed.

1,5 kilos this week. Pretty good, eh? Even if I wanna lose weight as fast as possible, and that part of me says: "WTF! Only 1,5 kilos! Others lose three!", I deep down think it's good that it's a bit slower so my body gets used to being thinner and thinner. I haven't been normal weight since I was a kid, so it's gonna be quite a change.

Scaling business

2010-10-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

I wonder if all who have done a gastric bypass surgery are fixated with the scale? I know I shouldn't weigh myself more than maybe once a week, or even more seldom, but I can't stop myself. This morning I stood there, disappointed that I hadn't lost so much, and even if know that I weigh more when I have my period. I feel bloated and heavy, but since I don't eat as much as I used to, there is no reason why I wouldn't have lost weight when I do my weighing on Monday morning. Of course, I will still have my period then, so we'll see. I think I will see if I can color the weight in my statistics red, so I can follow the weight loss and know what to caused a less loss some weeks. I tend to be very disappointed when I don't succeed the way I planned to.

In general it feels good after the surgery. It's now been three weeks and a couple of days, and most days I feel well. The day before yesterday I had a cinnamon bun before I went to bed, and ran to the bathroom to throw up. I don't dump on sugar or fat, so I probably ate it too fast. Of course cinnamon buns aren't the best thing to eat, but I couldn't think of anything else that I wanted. It's hard to come up with things to eat, when you need to eat all the time. Yoghurt with berries can be very boring after a time. I've only had bad pain once, and then I had been eating too fast, and then the period before I started pooping - that was bad. Other than these times it's been fine. My only problem is that it's so hard to drink water. I love water, and the water here in Sweden tastes really good and clean, but I feel a little bit sick when I drink it. It's like I can only drink a tiny sip at a time. How on earth can I drink the 1,5-2 liters they recommended?

Amazing news

2010-10-29T04:18:00.000-07:00

Time moves so fast. This is my last day on my sick leave, and on Monday I start working again - for now. Something really good has happened. On Monday, when I was at the nurse, getting new tape on my scars, I wrote a note to my nice doctor, telling him that I'm doing fine. I also told him that I'm moving to Canada, and that I'm worried that I can't get my knees fixed before I leave. I mentioned that they hurt a lot, which is true. God, I can't even walk a block before I'm spent, both from my weighed and from pain. The problem is that I need to weigh 100 kilos before he can send the referral to the knee surgeon - a specialist on athletes' injuries. Yes, that's me - an athlete.

After a couple of days he called me and said that he had decided to send the referral anyway, so I can be fit for fight before I move, even if I still way almost 20 kilos more than what is the rule. I almost fell off my bike in excitement. This of course means more sick leave, so they won't be happy at work, but they're gonna lose me anyway in the middle of February, so they'll manage. He said that they fix one knee at a time, but who cares if it takes time. I will be able to walk normally in Toronto! When I told Crissy she just smiled like the sun. She was so happy for me, that I almost started to cry.

Weird pain

2010-10-27T09:39:00.001-07:00

I've had some weird pain on the right side of my tummy today, between two of the scars. It may be because I haven't eating well today, but it started early this morning, even before I had had my breakfast. It's not such extreme pain, but more a dull ache, so I'm not really worried. I'll wait and see how it feels tomorrow.

Otherwise - I baked today. Cinnamon buns with apples in them. I tasted a little piece and it was awesome.

The scale is moving

2010-10-25T00:15:00.001-07:00

Sitting here, fighting with my breakfast. I decided, after some nagging from Crissy, that I should start with the nasty protein powder, so the yoghurt, which normally is ok, is so hard to swallow. The texture is grainy and strange, and I almost choke. I know they recommended protein powders, but wasn't that only if you stuck to the liquids, and couldn't get enough of proteins down? Yes ok, I'll do it anyway, so I can more easily build muscles. Ugh! Sometimes I can hear Crissy as an inner voice, that stops me from being childish and make stupid decisions. She's very good for me. Before in my life I never really listened to any advice about my health, and basically didn't care, but Crissy is so caring and loving that it's hard to not listen. So she's my little Catholic version of Martin Luther (it's a Swedish joke - that we're so correct and lawful that we have a little Luther on the shoulder telling us what to do).

Yesterday evening I made Chantarelle risotto. It was quite flavorful, and the texture was smooth and nice. I was surprised at how little I managed to get down though. Just a few tablespoons and the joy was over. Before I would have eaten more anyway, but now I can't and I don't even want to. That is big change - the "it's enough" concept. I've never had enough before, and suddenly I can look at a piece of chocolate cake and not wanting to eat it all. We have cookies in the kitchen, that we baked last week, and I have eaten a couple of them. I used to eat a whole tray before they were even cool.

The biggest news of today is that the scale has finally started to move a little. I lost 2 kilos last week, which is such a relief after standing still for a couple of weeks. I know a lot of people experience this this, but that's not me. I want immediate results! Now I got them.

Dinner party

2010-10-24T05:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Crissy and I were at a dinner party. It was her work mate Martin's wife and his mother who both had their birthdays. It were about 20 people there. At first I wondered how I was gonna make it through all the dishes, but it turned out really well.

The appetizer was gravlax with a tropical fruit salsa, and I ate a little piece of fish and a few fruit cubes, and all very slowly. I skipped the freshly baked bread and the champagne that was served a little before that. I'm not too fond of gravlax, even if I'm Swedish and we invented the damn thing, so it wasn't hard to just eat a little.

For the entre they served grilled ox filet, almost like tornedos. It was served with oven baked root veggies and an awesome red wine reduction gravy. The piece of meat was giant, but it was medium rare, so it was smooth. I ate about a third of the portion, and chewed well. This was my first try at red meat after the surgery, so I was a bit cautious. It went perfectly well though. No stomach pain or anything.

Then it was a plate of French cheeses with a rose hip and plum compot. I nibbled at a delicious little piece of Roquefort and tried a tiny piece of the ripe and runny Camembert too, but even if it was good I decided to save the little tummy space I have for the next dessert. OMG! It was totally worth it. Martin, who is a first class pastry chef had made a raspberry mousse cake!!!!!

Stomach pain and nausea

2010-10-22T00:19:00.000-07:00

The day before yesterday my stomach started to ache. I knew that I hadn't pooped in the morning, but I hadn't thought so much about it. Before dinner it felt fine, and then half an hour after eating it was like a sharp pain and I could barely breathe. I rushed to the bathroom, and nothing happened, and then nothing. I was there for like 40 minutes, accomplishing no more than little rabbit spilling, and then suddenly - diarrhea. All the time it hurt so I had to hold my stomach and take turn leaning forward or sit back. I was so afraid of pushing, because I don't know how healed it is inside. What if I would break something? When I was done I went straight to bed, totally exhausted.

Now I wonder what happened. The food I had had for dinner was pretty mild and just a small portion as always, so it must have been that I hadn't pooped in the morning. I don't know what to do if I don't. Should I force it and try to eat something with extra fibers or drink prune juice. Should I take a laxative, even if it's just one morning?

This morning, a little while after breakfast - rye crisp with soft cheese spread and a small glass of warm rose hip soup - I suddenly felt nauseous and as if I needed to puke. I went to the bathroom, but nothing happened really. I barfed up some foamy spit. Then I went to bed with a bad head ache, and still feeling sick, and I slept for almost three hours.

Did I eat too quickly? I've had that kind of breakfast before, almost every day, and I haven't felt sick at all. I'll try again tomorrow morning and see what happens. Maybe I should skip most of the carbs, and not eat rye crisps at all, but scrambled eggs instead. I will try that this weekend and see how I feel.

Took out the stitches today

2010-10-18T07:01:00.000-07:00

I went to a nurse today, at my health clinic, to remove the stitches from the five holes they cut in me. Uh, that sounds nasty, doesn't it? Anyway, it didn't hurt at all. It wasn't totally ok though. Two of the holes hadn't closed properly. Well, she taped me there, and the other ones too, and then I need to come back in a week so she can redo it. I wonder if I can wait that long. The tape is already falling off - five hours later. She also said that I wouldn't be free of the tape after that, no matter how it goes. The scars need to be taped for another six weeks, so the they will be as thin as possible. God, as if I really care about think or broad scars, when my tummy iis gonna be a mass of flappy skin.

About weight comments

2010-10-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

This morning I read on the Canadian obesity forum, where a woman was sad about some nasty comments she had gotten from a gang of young guys in a car. I know what this feels like, and this was my answer:

"All those comments always hurt a lot, and I don't know if you ever can get skin thick enough to listen and not care. I used to cry a lot before, but inwardly. To everyone that was close I always said that it didn't matter, and that those people were just idiots. The truth is that those nasty comments are what a lot of people think, but they're too politically correct to say them, and it hurts that they only see the outside, and not the fabulous person inside. It hurts and it results in more eating and neglecting. It's funny that it's so hard to turn that anger and hurt into something positive, and use it as a force and a start of a new life.
Now I can honestly say that I don't care as much as I used to, but that's because I have learnt how to not look at bypassers, not listen to sounds around me, and avoiding risky situations. Sometimes when I bike in the city I pretend I'm invisible. When I'm at work or with people that I know, I'm known as a person with loads of self confidence and someone who can stand on a scene, talking to hundreds of people. Yes, I do that when I need to, but that's because I don't see the looks anymore.
I'm not a little mouse in my everyday life, but it sure will be good to be out there and not have to think about avoiding gangs of youngsters, about how I must sit to look thinner, about sneaking in to the "big girl" part of H&M, avoiding sitting in narrow chairs etcetera. I just wanna be me - a nice and decent person, a good social worker and a wonderful partner."

And it's true. I don't think about it actively so much, but it's there all the time, buzzing in my head, like an invisible fiend that holds me back. That inner voice who tells me to go hide and not put myself in situations where I can hear those comments, is always there. The last few years there have been a few situations though, where I have managed to bite back. I remember a guy in a gang of ice hockey players. It was probably more than ten years ago, but it feels like yesterday.This guy he looked at me over the rim of the beer can he held in his hand, saying: OMG! Look at her. She's so fat that I couldn't even reach in between her legs to fuck her. At first I froze, but only for a second. Then I said: "You know, you couldn't have done that even if I had been rail thin. Not with that small dick of yours." The look on his face, and the howling laughter from his friends - priceless. Another time, when I was even younger, I stood leaning against a lamp post. A guy, of course with a bunch of cheering friends, shouted: "Watch out. She's so fat that she make break the lamp post!" It took me a second, and then: "That's the plan. I hope it will fall on you, and then we have one idiot less in this city." Again - silence, and then laughter from his friends.

The best story isn't mine, but my ex's, from the time when she was younger and fat. She was in a store and stood waiting for her turn at the delicatessen. There were also two uppity-looking middle aged ladies, standing pretty close to her. She didn't think so much about them, until she heard one of them whisper, loud enough so everyone there could hear: "Have you seen that enormously fat woman over there?" My ex didn't even blink, but leaned over and whispered to the woman, in the same loud way: "Has anyone ever told you that you have a very bad breath?" The uppity woman pinched her lips, and was white in her face when she left the store, followed by howling laughter from the onlookers.

I wish that I have had one of those comments ready for every time that I've heard something degrading, but unfortunately the wittiness often appears afterwards. "I should have told him..."

Also, some comments are really funny, and tells enough about the commentator's stupidity, so you don't have to embarrass them. They do it so well themselves. This is also from my ex. She was biking in the city, passing a guy and some other people at a bus stop. The guy says in a loud voice: "Oh look, she's biking without a saddle!" The others told him what an idiot he was, and my ex stopped around the corner, laughing for several minutes.

Finding a new rhythm

2010-10-17T02:34:00.000-07:00

Eating slowly is an art. Like most fat people I've eaten fast all my life, as if I needed to eat that fast to get more than I needed down before my stomach said NO! And when it did stop me, I took an extra portion just to be on the safe side. "I might starve later." Actually, my biggest problem with my eating habits was when I ate something sweet. Then my body didn't react at all. Like all Swedes I'm a big fan of cinnamon buns. Not the sticky ones they eat in the US and Canada, but a more bready version, with lots of cardamom and cinnamon, the two queens of spices. When I used to bake them, and the whole kitchen smelled of them, I could eat a whole tray, and of course I didn't listen to any warning signals then. I was mentally far away from dietitian advice and didn't even feel if I was full or not - or rather I ignored my body, except for the taste buds, which were overloaded with the awesomeness of cinnamon. Now I could maybe eat one bun, and then I would need to skip another meal, which wouldn't be a good choice, unless it was just now and then instead of every day.

Today it's ten days since my surgery and I can eat some solid food without feeling bad, except for a couple of times yesterday, when I ate too fast and chewed too little. That's what I need to find - the rhythm in eating slowly, and enjoying every bite. Hovering food has nothing to do with enjoying it. I'm not sure that I even had time to actually taste the food and taste the individual flavors in it. Now I had an early lunch with noodles, "falukorv" (a Swedish type of dinner sausage that is lightly smoked and very mild and all-round. Crissy calls it bland and with a disgusting texture.), broccoli, curry and coconut milk. It was tasty, and even if it was just a children's portion it took more than twenty minutes to eat it. I tasted it and chewed properly, and waited a bit until the next bite, instead of shoveling it into my mouth and barely chewing at all, and adding more before I was even done with the first bite.

It's hard to find this rhythm. Today I seem to have it. Yesterday I didn't. Right now Crissy, my little pastry chef, is making cookies. She doesn't eat a lot of sweets, but she bakes them and gives them away, or put them in the freezer until they're old enough to throw away. It may be a waste, but that way we always have something to give people who come here. Even my vegan sister has muffins in our freezer. Now, after a few weeks on powder drinks and soon two weeks without anything sweet, I'm gonna try a cookie and a cup of green tea.

Surgery story

2010-10-15T04:47:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I haven't written so much about the surgery, so I will now.

It all started with me being admitted to the ward. Crissy was waiting in the lobby, because when I was done she followed me to the patient hotel, where I was supposed to sleep that night. It was an ok room, like any other hotel room. Afterwards I went with her to another part of Stockholm, where she checked in to her hotel. They said at the ward that she could have stayed at the patient hotel, but we didn't know that, so we had booked another place, close to the subway central, for easy transports to my hospital. Anyway, we hung out in her room for a few hours. It felt a little sad, because sometimes things go wrong with this surgery, and even if I am pretty healthy it could have been our last hours together. Crissy was very sad and cried. She hadn't before, to my knowledge, but now the dam broke. It almost broke my heart to hear her cry, but there wasn't much to do, more than reassure her that it was going to be ok, and that I would survive. The she followed me to the subway and waved goodbye. I saw her looking at me until she couldn't see me anymore. At the hotel I showered with a special soapy sponge they had given me, and went to bed. It took awhile before I could fall asleep, so Crissy and I talked for a bit more.

In the morning I called Crissy again, since I had promised, and then showered with a special soapy sponge again, got dressed and took myself and my baggage to the ward. They had told me that my surgery was at 8, but someone must have made a mistake, because when I came at 7, they told me to sit down in the day room and wait. And I did - and again. Not until 10 they came to fetch me and showed me to my room and bed. I got dressed in the biggest cotton panties I've even seen, support stockings and a huge cotton robe, and they lay down under the covers. They picked me up after half an hour and took me to an elevator and down to a waiting area outside of the place where they do the surgeries. Several other beds stood there. A nurse did an ID check and then I waited again. Half an hour later a doctor came. It was the anesthetist. He wrote something on my tummy and then led me to the bathroom for one last pee.

When he finally rolled me into the surgery room, several people met us and introduced themselves as nurses and doctors. The surgeon came last. They put me on a narrow bench, strapped my legs into some Styrofoam things, and then strapped my arms too. I felt like someone being crucified. I asked why they strapped me, and the surgeon said that I was on a whipping board and that I would be half standing most of the time. Then they put a mask over my mouth and I panicked. A cute nurse petted me and told me to breathe slowly and that I would soon be asleep. The anesthetist put a syringe in my left hand and then I was gone.

I woke up in another room, and it felt like someone had repeatedly kicked me in my stomach. They gave me pain killers, checked the blood pressure and pulse, and then let me drift away again. I woke up every fifteen minutes and checked, and then finally they drove me back to the ward again. There I fell asleep, and when I woke up an hour later Crissy was there. Her smile lit up the whole room and I cried a little, totally touched by her love. She sat with me for a couple of hours, but I slept more than I was awake so I told her to go and eat something and get some sleep. She did, and then we talked on the phone later, before it was time for me to sleep for the night.

The next day I jumped out of bed at 6.30, when the night nurses dealt out the meds and checked everybody. I washed my hair and managed some kind of half shower, before I got dressed in the big, sexy hospital clothes. The rest of the morning was a long wait for Crissy, and in between I spooned in some soups and juices. I wasn't very hungry though, and I was in pain and had a hard time breathing when I ate. Crissy came as soon as they opened for visitors after lunch, and she stayed until the evening. We watched movies on her computer and talked and giggled. After my evening soup and the pills I felt really bad, so I had to walk back and forth in the corridor for a bit, until the pills had dissolved and didn't hurt my little new belly anymore. I changed to sweats and a tee, which felt good, and then we talked some more.

I slept pretty well that night, and I was only in a little pain the next morning. Sneaky as I am I didn't say so much about that to the nurses and doctors, because I wanted to go home as planned. We had already bought the tickets :-) At 10 Crissy came to fetch me and my baggage and we took a cab to the airport. The ride home - cab, air plane, train and finally cab - was bumpy and painful, and I was clenching my jaws to not cry. Then - HOME! Ahhh!

All in all it was a little painful, a lot unpleasant and I will fucking never do it again. I can't understand how people can do this, lose weight, gain it again and the do another surgery. Fuck, it's too serious for that. I will be such a goood girl.

...and again

2010-10-13T23:25:00.000-07:00

It seems the machinery works just fine, even though I changed the menu a little yesterday - after "expert advice" of course. It hurt so much when I ate and I was so tired, but yesterday I tried with a wheat crisp mid morning. It was wonderful to chew on something again. The rest of the day the eating went better than before, so it may have done some good. No matter how wonderful it is to chew on something, I will continue with the liquid foods though, just to be sure nothing bad happens to the insides.

Last night Crissy said that I have bad breath, which I never have had before. It didn't really freak me out, but I will definitely keep my distance to people if it's a constant drawback from the surgery. I will search the forums and look for answers.

One thing that disturbs me is that it's so weird to drink water. I used to love it, and I know I need a lot of it. It's not so much that it tastes bad, because it doesn't, but more that my stomach says no. I feel like I'm going to barf after a couple of small sips. I will continue trying of course, because I need at least 1,5 liters per day. Now I can drink maybe half a glass, so I have no idea how I'm going to succeed, but maybe it will be easier when the swelling inside isn't there anymore.

Yay for pooping

2010-10-12T22:55:00.001-07:00

I have freaking out a bit about the lack of pooping after the surgery, but this morning I did it! Yay for me! I took out a box of Moxalole, which I got from the doctor when I was on penicillin and iron at the same time, but have never used. It's some sort of oral laxative. I hate taking those things, so I looked at it long and then went to the bathroom - SUCCESS!

Also - I felt less sick yesterday and I think it's because I ate more. After reading some threads at a weight forum I decided to start having smoothies as snack, and not only drink rosehip soup and blueberry soup. I made a smoothie with banana, blueberry, milk and some yoghurt. For the evening I made a smoothie with pineapple, milk and coconut milk. It was all delicious and I was totally satisfied afterwards, realizing that part of my stomach ache has probably been hunger. Stupid me and my eating disorder. Less isn't good for me, and now I need to wipe that stupid thought out of my brain.

Today my project is to drink more water. It's always been a problem for me, but now I have lots of time on my hands, and can dedicate myself to finding a method.

Weight loss - hello???

2010-10-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

So when is the weight loss starting? I weighed myself this morning and I have barely lost 1 kilo since before the surgery. Do I eat too little, or does it normally take a while before the weight loss starts? I will try to not freak out about it though, and be patient and see what happens.

Third day after surgery

2010-10-10T08:55:00.000-07:00

I feel bloated and my tummy is tender under the right side of my ribs. I wonder if that is normal, but on the other hand - they have been moving around stuff in there. I have started to fart a lot, but I feel that it's necessary to get the air out of the system, and it doesn't smell at all - thank god :-)

It's hard to remember to eat, because I'm not hungry. Or rather - I may be hungry but I can't tell the difference between hunger and queasiness right now. And the water...that's impossible. As soon as I get anything down I feel like I can't breathe properly and I just need to lie down for a bit. I'm so tired that I even had a nap before - a long one. Normally I never nap, unless I have a bad cold with high fever, so I guess I'm not as perky as I thought at first, eh?

The food tastes good though, and I'm glad about that. I was a bit nervous that I would lose my taste buds, but all is good. I never thought rosehip soup could be so good.

Home with a tummy less

2010-10-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

So, now it's done - the gastric bypass. It was painful and unpleasant, but I don't regret it. Now, for the next few weeks, I'm gonna be a burp and fart machine. It feels as if I'm boated and filled with air, and I'm in pain. It's like a horse kicked me in the tummy. Not that that has ever happened to me, but this is how I imagine it.
Now I have a new pill box with lots of medicines and vitamins, and I even have to give myself shots for a few days.

I will write more when I feel better.

One more day

2010-10-05T07:07:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow we go to Stockholm, where I will be admitted at the hospital. The day after is the big day, and after that my new life starts. I look forward to getting back to a routine, taste different flavors and cook normal food again. And most of all I look forward to starting to lose some weight. he problems that will follow - they can wait. Now I have to concentrate on the positive and the fact that I'm getting this chance to live an active life after fucking up for so may years. I'm also glad for Crissy's sake, because it must be hard to live with someone who is fat and can't do anything without planning the shortest routes, look for places to sit, always be less active that we want - and of course to listen to my sarcastic comments about my body. She loves me now, but I'm sure she will love me even more when she meets the true Rosie, the one that she can see sometimes, and the one I think she fell in love with.

So, off I go into the future. See you later, and I will tell you all about it.

Hungry day

2010-10-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

Three days to the surgery and of course I get my period - three damn weeks too late. It's gonna be so nice to have my period while I'm at the hospital. Pfft! And of course the usual feeling that I'm starving and need to chew on everything - anything! I've been a good girl though ad had my morning powder and my lunch powder, and now when I came home from work a final bag. I just wish it felt a little like food, or at least tasted better.

I'm so glad that I made a lot of cups of soup yesterday, but right now I just wanna get into the freezer and heat like ten of them, just to get another taste in my mouth. So, two more days of this awfulness, and then I'm free! The coming weeks of soups and the puree is a piece of ca.. carrot.

Making soup

2010-10-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

I feel pretty ok today, but I freaked out a little before after looking at pictures of people who had lost weight after the gastric bypass, and all the skin that was left, like pouches on the stomach and thighs. Some of them had made plastic surgery and god, they had big scars. It looked to have been very painful surgeries, taking away kilos worth of loose skin, but they seemed to feel that it was worth it. I have no idea what I will do, but probably I will need surgery. My skin is not very elastic. While I'm losing weight I will do all I can to get some muscles, which can make up for a little - I think. So, situps and weight lifting. I started to get a little sad, thinking about how I have destroyed my body, and I also worried about what Crissy will think about how I look afterwards, and if she will be disgusted with how I will look. Her comment was - "well, I love you and touch you now, don't I? It's gonna be the same skin." I didn't know what to say to that.

Instead of dwelling on the coming problem with the skin, I instead started to make a new pot of soup to freeze. Bacons, zucchini, yellow tomatoes, mushrooms, onion, spring onions, I think it will taste good. Then I'll mix it and freeze it. Tomorrow I will make a coconut and curry soup :-)

One week of powder drinks

2010-09-28T22:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, this Monday I had made it through a whole week of powder drinks. It hasn't been an easy week, but at least I've managed. On Sunday was my sister's birthday and we had her and a friend of hers over for dinner and cake. I made spaghetti and vegan tomato sauce, since my sister is a vegan. Other than letting the tip of my tongue taste the flavor, to be able to put spices in - nothing to eat. I had my drink while they were stuffing their faces with the food. It didn't feel so bad, since we talked and joked. Suddenly time had passed and they were done, and I had survived. Crissy had made vegan choloate cake for dessert, filled it with "butter" cream and covered it with ganache. My contribution was the decorations with hand made candied orange peels and chocolate letters and hearts - even frosted ones. I had decided that I would have a tiny piece of the cake and it was really good. After that it's been powder drinks again, and for some reason that little taste of something to chew on made it so much easier theses last two days. I have realized that I will make it, and I have even started to have dreams with a thin me in them.

Starting again

2010-09-23T01:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in forever now, and I haven't really tried to lose weight either. Instead I have gained a few kilos, but not a disaster.
This Monday I started the powder diet that I need to go through before my Gastric Bypass. I've been on Cambridge before and that went pretty well for a few weeks, so I was full of confidence. I didn't need to start until on Friday, because they want me to be on diet two weeks before the surgery, but since I needed to lose what I have gained the last weeks I decided to do four days extra.
OMG! It's so hard. I had forgotten about how hungry you are all the time, so I wasn't prepared for that. The first three days went ok. I was a little hungry, but not so I was doubling over. I was cold though and felt sorry for myself. Crissy bought roses for me and are so supportive that she almost makes me cry from sheer gratitude.
Today it's extra hard and my stomach is aching. Maybe it's wrong with three bags a day, but four is harder to fit in. The others at work have lunch in the middle of the day, and eating late morning and afternoon instead interferes with our work with the clients. Maybe it could work, but I will try a few more days nefore I give up, even though I half an hour ago, had a few slices of salami to get rid of the stomach ache. I know it was probably stupid, but I had just read that there are people who lose weight without the powder diet, and I thought that it couldn't be so bad. It tasted so good, but I regretted it as soon as I had swallowed, and it won't happen again. My work is hard though, because there are so much food around. We cook with our clients, so the fridge is full, and there are always fruit. I clench my jaws and drink water and green tea, and then pee a lot.
After the surgery it's a month with smooth soups and then a couple of weeks with purées, so I have that to look forward to. I will try to start planning that phase already this weekend - what to buy, what to cook and how to do it. I will make my own boullions from scratch and make sure that everything I eat will taste delicious. Then we'll adapt the menu a little in the evenings, co Crissy can have some nice dinners after a hard working day making pastries and bread :-)
Otherwise it's mostly just waiting now. 14 days left. My major feeling is that I'm expectant and want it to be over so I can see the results. I'm also a little nervous that something will happen, but I'm healthy so there shouldn't be any problems. Crissy will come with me to Stockholm and stay at a hotel when she's not hanging in the waiting area at the hospital. I've told her that she should take the opportunity and see some more of Stockholm, go to some nice bakeries and galleries, but she just says that she's there to be close to me, and not to be a tourist. What do you say :-)

Long time, no see

2010-06-25T00:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging lately. I have been quite depressed with how things are going and I don't know what to do about it. Right now I'm just hanging in there and are waiting for the surgery. Of course I do anything to not gain weight, and even lose a little now and then, but it seems that the LCHF isn't working, even if I have done exactly what it says. I talked with the doctor about it and he said that it could be that my metabolism is wrecked, after many years of being fat, so that it doesn't matter really what diet I'm on. We also took some thyroid tests, just in case, but he doesn't believe that there is something wrong there. I'm not so sure, so we'll see. The signs are there, but they are often so vague and can be caused by other things too, so it's hard to get that diagnosis.

Failing this week

2010-06-13T20:45:00.000-07:00

This has been a hard week, so I need to illustrate this with a pic of how I would like to look. At first I started to look after pics of fat, old ladies, but then I thought that it would give me more motivation with the opposite...
I was exhausted after Stockholm and the visit to the hospital, both physical and emotional, so the week after has been tiring. I also had my period + that I have had some kind of infection, with fever a few days. All of this together spells disaster when it comes to dieting. So some days I haven't been eating much at all, and not fatty enough, which means that I have been having too many carbs instead. I have eaten a few slices of bread and on Saturday I even succumbed to the old ice cream craving. It was delicious ice cream, so it was worth it, but it's more the tendencies that are alarming. I need to get a grip on this again. I think that the main problem is that I'm doubting that LCHF will work for me. I have barely lost anything even the weeks when I have been eating well. Yes, I had too much proteins, and after that my weeks haven't been normal, but I have this gnawing feeling of failure.
I will always have the surgery to fall back on, but I want to lose a lot of weight even before that, so I can get my knees fixed. Right now I don't know what to do. Should I try to eat even smaller portions, but really fat? Should I try with just cooking what's in one of the LCHF cook books, to make sure I'll get the right amounts? It's all very confusing, and I feel sad. In the beginning I was so positive and hopeful, but when the results don't come I immediately go into the dark corner when I think about starvation and eventually giving up. The things is though - I don't WANT to give up - not this time. I have too much to lose, and nothing to gain. Giving up may mean problems on many levels, and I don't want to end up as a lonely, fat, old lady on permanent sick leave. I just have to fix this!

Eating too little

2010-06-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

The last few days I haven't felt like eating at all. I don't know if it's about my period or if it's about some psychological thing that has to do with my weight and the coming surgery. I'm not hungry, and I tend to eat yoghurt instead of real food. It hasn't even been fun cooking. It's probably something temporary, since I don't feel well at all. Last night I was at the movies with a bunch of my clients, and I was home a little before 9. I went to bed almost immediately and I was so cold that I was shaking. No matter how I tried I couldn't relax and get warm. Eventually I took some clothes on and I think I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. The last time I looked at the clock it was close to midnight.
So, now and this weekend I need to get more fat into my little tummy. I also need to go back to making a menu for the week. Life works so much better then. If I'm left to improvise it will just be yoghurt and berries, and that's not enough.

Success stories

2010-06-10T01:15:00.000-07:00

Recently I've heard several stories about people who have done the gastric bypass and succeeded, without any complications.
Yesterday I got a message from an ex colleague, who I remember as chubby, but but not really fat. When I told her about the surgery, she said that she did one last year and that she has lost a lot of weight after that. Right now she was on a plateau and the weight loss had stopped, but it's of course just a question of patience before it starts again. She sounded like she was pleased that she went through with it, and as far as I know she hasn't had any complications. She gave me her number and in a few days I'm gonna call her and ask more questions. I trust her and I know she will tell me the truth, and of course also advice.
This morning I went to do an x-ray of my knees, because of the coming surgery. The doctor, when she read that I was in line for a gastric bypass, said that her neighbor had done it a year ago and lost almost 60 kilos. She had felt fine during the whole time, and lost weight without problems. Now she had some problems though, and that was about having lost a little too much, so she needs to find ways to gain a little and then keep it. That would certainly be a new problem for me.
Anyway, these stories make me less scared of the outcome and the risks with the surgery, but as I told my partner this morning - if I hear 998 success stories I will be sure that I will be one of the two who die... Yes, I know. I have a warped sense of humor.

New goals

2010-06-09T02:22:00.000-07:00

So, then it's decided. I will go through with the surgery. It will change things a bit - I think. The surgeon and the dietist at the hospital said that I may not be able to eat LCHF in the future. They were not sure though, so we'll see.
My new goal is to reach 100 kilos as soon as I can, so my house doctor puts me on the waiting list for knee surgery. Is obvious that I'll need it. The knees hurt more and more, and I'm starting to feel like a beached whale - which is not a pleasant feeling.
At the hospital they measured my waist and the result sounded a lot, but to be honest - I have no idea what a normal waist is. I haven't been normal weight since I was a child. Is it 70? Is it less? The belt I use is 115, but my natural waist is thinner than what it is when I measure at the belly button, which maybe is the real waist. I feel weird, not knowing these things, which are probably normal knowledge for other people.
They warned me that I can get emotional problems when I lose weight - not recogniziong myself physically or as a person, losing the possibility to comfort myself with food, changing the way people percieve me, getting to know new parts of my personality that I've never been in contact with before. They said that this can cause depression, but can also lead to a lot of pressure on my relationship. Some people who have been married as fat, ends up as divorced when they are thinner. That is scary. I don't for a second believe that my partner would leave me because of me getting thinner or more active, but I hope my personality won't change too much anyway, because I think she likes me as I am. Well, except for getting better self confidence of course. That shouldn't be a problem. No, we have a stable relationship, based on other factors than looks, so I'm nor scared for myself. As for depressions - well, I can't say never, but I'm not really the type of person who would let anything best me. I've been so sad before in my life, but ended up doing something about it, so depression - no thanks.

Home again

2010-06-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

Last friday isn't much to talk about. I ate sparsely and ended the day with dessert after dinner. It was a good day - free from work and running a lot of errands. but handling the eating very well.
Saturday to Monday night I was in Stockholm. The main reason was to go to an appointment with a surgeon who does gastric bypass, but there were a lot of time for sightseeing. My partner had never been there before, so it was extra fun.
Food - went well, even though I wasn't very hungry and that I had to eat a little carbs to be full. Hotel breakfast without bacon and eggs, or with a crappy version it, isn't a nice thing :-(
Appointment - went well too, but I was a bit scared when I listened to the risks. 2 in a group of 100 die, and what if I'm one of them? Problems with digestion, lack of weight loss, losing hair etcetera. Plus is that I can lose 80% of my over weight just by doing the surgery, and the rest I'll have to do myself, which is totally reasonable. When I came they also measured waist (140!!!) and hips (146!!!) and checked blood pressure and sugar level. None were a problem, even if I were a bit bummed about the measures.
The rest of the trip - nice, but omg so bad for my knees. I was i constant pain and close to tears for hours every day. What held me up was sheer will power and a promise from my house doctor on Friday, that I can get a knee surgery as soon as I weigh 100 kilos, which could be before the year is over. He also gave me a medicine, which is for rheumatism, but can help me with inflammation and pain. Also, being in Stockholm, walking alot and in the sun, made me realize how bad stamina I have. For a few hours I totally lost my appetite, and almost fell back into old patterns with no eating as a desparate solution to lose weight. On Saturday we were walking from Södermalm down to Söder Mälarstrand, and it's quite hilly there. There were so many stairs down to where we were going that I thought I would die. It felt as if my knees were on the verge of breaking, the pain was crucial and I was close to tears and sweating like a pig. I clenched my jaws and walked anyway, but the next day we had to rent bikes instead and we also took a cab a couple of times. That felt bad, but I didn't have a choice. I simply couldn't walk anymore. On Monday I had a little easier to walk, but not so much.
As a total it was in interesting trip, and it gave me a lot of time to think about my situation. I called this morning and told the surgeon that I want to have the surgery.

Cravings

2010-06-03T23:46:00.000-07:00

I really hate eating out - or at least at restaurants with really bad food. Yesterday started well, with an omelet, and I felt great the whole morning. Then came lunch, and I was a little hungry. My colleagues wanted to go to a place they liked, and I didn't know it, so I just agreed. It was a work lunch at it was awful. I chose the pork filet, because the fish looked disgusting, and since I had to leave out the potatoes I had extra sauce instead. I said "no carbs" and they nodded, but the sauce was both tasteless and way too thick to not contain flour. I asked for spiced butter and they came with a lump of something that I was sure was margarine flavored with some Taco spice from a bag. Ugh! At least the salad was ok, so I had beets and cabbage with Rhode Island sauce, which of course is less than ok, but I was so hungry. Then I was craving nice things all afternoon. I tried to negotiate with myself several times, but managed to win over thoughts about chocolate. That was good, but the day as a whole was bad.
I had a late dinner, at at least that was tasty AND fat.
It was strange with the cravings. I seldom have them anymore, but I really had to fight. After dinner I again felt that I wanted something, and I thought... hmmm...maybe some berries with cream, but then I thought that the fucked up lunch probably contained so many carbs that a few more would be a catastrophe. I won again, but I felt whiny. My period is getting close too, and tomorrow we go to Stockholm. Oh god, give me strength, or give my partner strength to stop me.

Living with less protein

2010-06-03T01:01:00.000-07:00

I made it through the first day with just half the amount of protein, compared to the first five weeks on LCHF. It wasn't hard at all. It will be though, unless I find new ways of eating fat. Yesterday was a perfect day, with the percents like thay should be - 81% fat and just 4% carbs. I can see the tendencies to eat less than I should, which is not good for me. I managed to hold the balance yesterday, but this morning I was too lazy to make eggs and bacon, so I had yoghurt strengthened with double cream, and with some raspberries for taste.
The problem is that so far today there is like 40% proteins, 50 something fat and the rest carbs. I need to eat something fatty today to make up for the meager start. Tonight I will eat a patty, but for lunch there will be food at a restaurant, with my colleagues. I hope I can order something fatty, like bearnaise sauce or something. The thing is that I have no control over what they have put in it. Is there sugar? Is there margarine instead of butter? When I called the restaurant yesterday with my requests, the man who answered sounded a little irritated. Not a good attitude, but that's the place my colleagues chose.
I've "met" a woman on a forum who has done the gastric bypass surgery and survived :-) She has lost 60 kilos since january last year, and she feels great. She's started with LCHF so she can lose the last few kilos, and so far she has no problems with it. No fat dumping, except for when she eats something with lactose. So what the doctors say about gastric bypass and eating fat may not be entirely true. I will ask her some more questions and then ask the surgeon a lot when I meet him on Monday. This woman also said that she eats when she's hungry, and not 7-8 times a day, which sounds more reasonable and more easy to manage. Maybe I can combine surgery with LCHF and not be so worried about it...

Restarting

2010-06-01T22:28:00.001-07:00

With the new information about what to eat, and with a liver that is like brand new, I'll restart my LCHF diet today. I will think more about what to eat and start weighing the food until I have learned about how much I can eat to lose weight. I know LCHF isn't about weighing and measuring, but for me it will be helpful in the beginning.
Yesterday was a middle-day. I tried to think more about what I ate, but in the evening all was a little destroyed. I was at a restaurant with my colleagues and a whole bunch of my clients and their kids. We had skewers with different kinds of potatoes, and before that salad and big baskets of garlic bread. Not me!!! I had salad as a starter and then 2 skewers with herb butter, that they fetched just for me. I know that I had too much meat, even if I stopped myself from eating it all when I felt full, but I think I was a good girl for not having that creamy potato au gratin. Honestly I wasn't even close to wanting it, and not the bread either. I was satisfied with what I had, even if I didn't like the food very much.
So today I will think more, and try to listen more to what my body says. I'm a little worried that the amount of protein will make me feel hungry all the time, but I guess it's only until my stomach is smaller. Then the fat in the food will make me full. It's hard to understand the people who do the quick start with three patties a day. They must be hungry all the time. Can that be good?

Later...

2010-06-01T03:39:00.000-07:00

Talked with a colleague today - the same who "got me" in to LCHF. I asked him what he thinks about how I eat, and why I don't lose weight. It turns out that I totally have misunderstood the amount of protein. I thought it was 1 gram per kilo I weigh, but NO! It's 1 gram per kilo I want to weigh - so instead of 125 it's maybe 70. That means about 350 grams meat instead of 600. That's quite the difference. SO smaller portions for me, and then I really have to make sure that I eat enough fat. I think I must add double cream to the yoghurt, and that I need herb butter to every meal, or otherwise it will be hard to find ways to get enough of the good fat.

At home

2010-05-31T22:26:00.000-07:00

A hard day yesterday. I was free and home alone. Since I had had all those carbs in the weekend, I could feel how they had a grip on me, so I was craving sweets all day. To handle it I constantly drank green tea and at lunch I gave myself a bowl of fresh raspberries and whipped cream instead of food. Maybe not the best choice, but it felt better than to defrost bread or chocolate mousse, or go to the store and be totally stupid.
Now I have to detox myself and don't eat anything that has even been close to sugar, and oopsies or lembas are totally forbidden. They remind me too much of bread. It will be hard enough by the end of this week, since we're going to Stockholm. Carb overload, being away and not having lost any weight in several weeks...that's a deadly combination. What can help me is the reason why we go to Stockholm - the appointments with the surgeon, dietist and anesthetic doc at Danderyd's hospital. The thought of a surgery can hopefully keep me on track.
I'm honestly worried though that I won't lose any weight, that how good this diet may be, I can't lose weight anyway. That I may have destroyed my body, or that I'm too old. That's a sad thought.

Second day

2010-05-31T00:03:00.000-07:00

OMG! I've never visited the bathroom so many times as after this liver flushing. The first night I was running there maybe 10-12 times, with less and less contents. Yesterday morning I had nothing more than the Epsom salt water at 7 and then at 9, and then the real flush started. I felt like a water hose, and eventually it was just water coming out, but with it came GALL STONES. Maybe 100 or 150 came out, and they were alien green or baby poop yellow. Most of them were like jelly, but the yellow ones were more solid, like hardened lava stones. It was fascinating. Since there was nothing more than different colored water coming out, the stones floated, so I could see then clearly. So all you disbelievers - pfft!
I continued with the carbs for the rest of the day. The pastries I had were mousse and think slices of Martha Steward cake, and they were definitely worth it. Also the bread were good, with lots of butter on it. I have no problem with the thought of not eating carbs though, so this morning I started again. Hopefully my tummy will work better now, and I will start losing weight again.
It was a bit dis-encouraging this morning when I weighed myself. I thought that I would have lost some weight after losing all that water, but of course it was the irritating +-0 again. Well, I guess it's better than gaining weight, eh? "When you get lemons, make lemonade" :-)
So, now life continues as normal, with tons of eggs, steaks, double cream and butter, and let's see if I can avoid the gastric bypass.
By the way - my mom and sister were here yesterday and my mom said that her friend, the retired gynecologist, had said that LCHF was very dangerous for my arteries, and that I could get an heart attack from it. So I should stop with that diet, eat as little fat as I could and then go for the surgery instead. My mom of course believed her, even though I told her that my partner, with her diabetes, had normal blood levels at the check up. I also told her how LCHF works - fat in, fat out - but her friend is a damn DOCTOR, so who knows more than her...even if she's retired, was a gynecologist and was educated in the fifties!

Liver Flush Day

2010-05-29T23:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, now it's the morning after....after the big liver flush day 1. I don't feel awful, but not very good either. I still have a glass of Epsom salt and water to down, and I don't look forward to it. It tastes bitter, and that has always been a taste I don't like. Yesterday was a crazy day. First I had two meals with basically only carbs, including a handful of strawberries, and then nothing but the remedies. My tummy was not a happy camper. I ran to the bathroom every ten minutes, until I was totally empty, and then a few more times. Before I went to bed, to lie on my right side, I downed a mix of olive oil and the juice of a lemon and a red grapefruit. That was better than the Epsom salt, even if it seemed yucky to drink 1½ dl of olive oil.
I so wanted to eat something yesterday night. We were watching movies and I'm used to either drink tea or chew on something, which I know is a bad habit. I think I missed the tea most of all, and I was thirstier than ever in my life. Drinking salt and then not drink water was not very nice. I'll live though and hopefuuly I'll feel better afterwards.
Today is Mother's Day and my family - mother and sister - is coming over. My partner made pastries with fresh fruit and mousse. I will have one, because now I've actually earned it.
Oh, I've already got rid of several gall stones - brightly green and alien looking :-)

Preparing for the big day

2010-05-29T01:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a lean day. I started out normally, with scrambled eggs and bacon, but at lunch I just had some shrimps and crab in a tiny amount of mayo. Ok, I admit it. Later I had a small bag of roasted pork rinds, but hey....I was hungry.
In the evening I was supposed to have almost no fat, but lots of carbs, so I just ate a couple of slices of bread with crayfish cheese. I wasn't very hungry.
So tomorrow I will have a carb day and drink a lot of water, and then I will drink the remedy with Epsom salt. I hope it won't taste badly, and if it does...that it's worth it. I'm not totally sure that it will help and that I will lose a lot of gall stones, but it's worth a try, since I have no other good explanation for not losing weight. It's not that I have cheated or anything, but maybe I've just eaten too little fat, or maybe it'll just take time, since I've been over weight for so many years. Well, we'll see how it goes. At least I'll get to eat some today.

Eating out

2010-05-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I work late, having social activities my clients. It can for example be eating something and watching a movie. Last night was one of those nights. I went to buy a "smörgåstårta", which is like a sandwich layer cake with maybe shrimps, eggs and salmon, some tomatoes and cucumber, a few salad leaves, and then mayo and sour cream to hold it together. It's nicely decorated with eggs, roe, salad and shrimps.
Anyway, I got that sandwich cake, and for me I ordered a plate with the same ingredients, minus the bread. It tasted really good and I didn't even glance at the cake. I ate a bit too much though, since we were talking and I forgot to listen to my body, so I was way too full afterwards. It probably was ok though, since I obviously eat too little as it is.
So it seems that I can handle the take-out and the eating out that sometimes is a part of my work. Next week we will have a goodbye lunch for our trainee, who has been with us since January, and we will also have a big dinner with about 40 of our clients. The lunch I don't know so much about, but the dinner is a tradition. We go to a place that specializes in skewers with different types of potato dishes and a bunch of sauces. Last year I had a chicken skewer and potato au gratin. This year I've ordered two skewers, one with beef and one with chicken, and to that a big pile of herb butter. I'll also get the sauces. So no potatoes for me, which right now feels totally ok. I haven't longed for either potatoes, rice or pasta since I started this diet, which is amazing, since a big part of my diet was just that. I'm very proud that I've managed to adapt so well, but I'm still bummed that I haven't lost any weight in soon three weeks.

Need more fat

2010-05-26T22:01:00.000-07:00

According to the more knowing in the LCHF jungle, I should eat 75% fat, 20% protein and maximum 5% carbs. The last two days I've been trying to count at least how many grams of fat and protein I eat. I've already figured out that I need 1 g protein for every kilo I weigh, and that is 120. Since meat contains 20% protein it means that I need 600 grams of it. That is a lot.
It also means that I need about 450 grams of fat every day. Is that even possible?
Look here. This is what the groceries that I eat the most contain:

Ground meat (50% beef 50% pork) (100 Grams)
Fat: 14.00 Grams
Protein: 18.00 Grams

Beef sirloin (100 Grams)
Fat: 3.00 Grams
Protein: 21.00 Grams

Butter unsalted fat 80% (100 Grams)
Fett: 80.00 Grams
Protein: 0.00 Grams

Double cream 40% fat (100 Grams)
Fat: 40.00 Grams
Protein: 2.00 Grams

Cheese 38% fat (100 Grams)
Fett: 38.00 Grams
Protein: 19.00 Gram

If I've gotten it right I then need more than one half kilo package of butter a day, or one liter of double cream, or 600 grams of cheese. How can I eat all that? I must have gotten it wrong!

No new results

2010-05-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

I'm still bummed, but at least there's a light in the tunnel. I read articles yesterday that say that for some people it can take from a couple of weeks to a year! to start losing weight. God! So there may be many natural reasons for not start losing weight with this diet:

Having been on diets before - I've been on hundreds of diets. And come to think about it...the first week here I started with a sort of stewardess diet and ate almost nothing. That was the week I lost 5 kilos. I probably peed it all out. Andreas Eriksson, who wrote this article, says that the body is prepared for starvation after a lot of dieting, and that means taking muscle tissue and transform it into sugar, and of course storing all the fat it can...just in case.

Being insulin resistant - People who have been destroying their bodies with high levels of insulin, which means feeding it with carbs and sugar, may be insulin resistant. He says that this goes for most people who have had more than 50 kilos over weight for several years. God - again! I've had more than 50, sometimes 60, 70, 80, 90 kilos overweight for soon 30 years. The body let the fat go anyway when you diet, but it may be a problem after a time, that you just stop losing. SO this is maybe not one of my issues then.

Stress - This is obviously a very important factor, and stress affects weight loss a great deal. So...worries, stress, sleeping difficulties. Then the body secretes the hormone cortisol in the adrenal glands, which means that it creates sugar in the liver, but also is prepared to store fat. Well, I can't say that my work is overly stressing, but just normal, I think. I have no problems sleeping, and I can't say that I worry so much all the time. I'm fairly happy in general, and tend to solve things rather than worry all the time.

Eating the wrong things - Some people can't eat dairies or nuts, and that may prevent the weight loss. Yes, I eat dairies, but less and less now when I don't know why I don't lose weight. Nuts...maybe seven or so two times a week. That can hardly be a problem. Dairies I will try to cut even more.

Eating too little - The body reacts when it gets too little food and stores fat. Eating too much doesn't seem to be a problem, if you just listen to the body and only eat when your hungry, and until you're full. I don't know if I can read my body's signals yet, but I'm working on it. It may be that I eat too little though, because it is my natural instinct, after so many years of dieting, to eat less. I don't know how to learn this, but maybe eating very slowly and try to feel the signals.

Eating too little fat or too little protein - Since the brain needs sugar to work, you need to get enough protein so that the body can transform some of it to sugar. Otherwise it will use stress hormones instead, which means no weight loss. I actually think that I eat too little protein, and this is because I thought I should count the whole weight of the meat and not only 20% of it. With my weight it would mean 600 grams a day, which is way less than I eat now, unless eggs contain a lot more protein than I think. I eat maybe 300 to 400 grams a day. I actually thought this was too much, since I thought I was only allowed 120 grams, so I think that I've held back on other things to compensate. The fat - I think I eat enough fat, but I'm not sure until I've corrected the amount of protein.

Persons who build muscles - hardly LOL!

Persons who weigh too little - hardly that either!

This is very helpful for me, and I will think more about what I'm doing, and above all - be patient. The weight loss will come. I only hope it will come in time to stop the surgery...

Still sad

2010-05-24T20:42:00.001-07:00

My mind was busy all day yesterday, trying to figure out what was wrong. I'm glad this diet isn't hard, because I would probably have given up otherwise. Being on a tough diet and not losing weight is harder, so now I don't feel the urge to give up. It only makes me sad.
I did what I should do yesterday, and didn't eat anything that I shouldn't. I'm not sure about the oopsies though, or at least not the recipe I followed. They contain dinkel flour and husks, so carbs. Well, at least I only had one of them, which was the last one in the freezer. I won't bake them again, but try to make the ones made with only cheese and eggs, and a teaspoon of fiber husks to make it firmer. Then I will only do as this week, and eat it once every week.
I wonder if I should take away something else from my diet. Maybe I shouldn't eat berries even as a dessert on the weekends, or at least not every weekend. I'm not sure that I need it, but we'll see if I think it's boring without any little extra sometimes.
The next thing I wonder about is the protein. I've been trying to ask people about it, but gotten diverse answers. Some say that I can eat as much protein as I want, and that the diet itself will ensure that it's not too much. Others say that I should weigh what I eat, so it's not more than a gram for every kilo I weigh. That would mean half a chicken breast every day, which sounds very little. I guess it would be ok if I could eat as much veggies as I want to, but obviously it's better to concentrate on protein and fat. This is a jungle and I need to find my waý in it.

No weight loss - again

2010-05-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

What am I doing wrong? This is the second week in a row that I haven't lost any weight at all. I sort of suspected it, but I wasn't sure until this morning. What made me suspect it was the fact that I don't feel any lighter. Normally I do, even if it's only one tiny kilo.
So what is happening? I've started to write a food diary here, so I can see if there are things on it that shouldn't be there, or if I'm eating too little of something. As far as I can see - nothing that catches my eye. It can't be that this diet doesn't suit me. Why wouldn't it, when it's so good for many others?
Can it be about the liver, that it can't take care of the fat properly, but stores it instead? I will of course continue with the diet, and then do the liver flushing this weekend, but what will I do more until then? I don't know how I would react on a third week without weight loss. The surgery suddenly starts to look like an alternative again, but I really don't wanna do it. It scares me too much.
I'll have to look at the food diary again and see if I can find anything weird. I've had a couple of good days now, so this blow is feeling extra hard, but I will try and keep up the motivation. Trying to look through my memories and see if there are carbs that I've eaten, but not written in the diary. Hmmm... no bread, no rice or anything. I did eat a little piece of chocolate in the beginning of the week, and two last Friday, and yesterday, at the carnival n Lund, I had a little piece of ganache. What else? Yoghurt a couple of mornings, mayo that probably contains a little sugar, and two bowls of berries and cream - one on Monday and one on Friday. Shit! I really need to write exactly everything down.
It's not been cheating, because I haven't been hiding anything to myself, and stored it away in a far away place in my brain, but I actually can reach it and look at it. That is progress. But I have to stop neglecting the warning signal that goes off every time I ea something containing carbs. I don't think those small amounts of carbs did a big difference, but you never know.

Good food day

2010-05-22T23:32:00.000-07:00

After so many days of pain I had a good day. Also when it comes to eating I had what I should, and very little carbs. It was that dessert with blueberries and whipped cream, but it tasted very good and I didn't feel bad after it. It wasn't a very fat filled day, and it may be why my stomach didn't hurt.
I went to the pharmacy yesterday to look for the Epsom salt, but they didn't have it. I cold order it though, so it will come before next weekend. The Saturday will be the day when I get rid of my gall stones - if I have any. According to the people who have done the liver flushing, I should do a parasite cleansing first. Apparently the liver is full of parasites, which sounds totally disgusting, and they can be in the way of a flushing, but I will try without that. Otherwise I'll have to wait another two weeks, because that's the time it takes for the little devils to leave my body. I hope it works without killing the parasites, but if it doesn't I will do that the next time.
There are so many ways of cleansing the body and its organs, but I've only tried fasting before, with different results. I've lost weight, and I've gained it again, but I've always felt refreshed. Of course, I've only done it for a week, but I'm proud of it anyway :-) A former colleague used to do enema a few times every year. She said it felt very good when all your intestines were clean. Also afterwards, when they managed to absorb minerals and vitamins better, she felt good. I'm not gonna try that though. It doesn't sound very pleasant.
Anyway - a good day and I went to bed feeling well.

Looking for solutions

2010-05-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

Talked with a colleague yesterday. He's also eating LCHF, and knows a lot. We talked about my stomach pains and nausea. First he thought it was about dairies, but I said that I've managed to eat that before without problems, except for really creamy food. Then I have reacted violently with having to run to the bathroom. The next theory was that I react to cereals, but I have barely eaten any at all. He thought for awhile and then said: "The liver. It's over fatted." He explained that, when people eat a lot of carbs, the liver has to work overtime and after many years it's full of fat which the liver can't get rid of any more. Then you have to help it. I said that the woman at the hospital and mentioned a powder diet to get rid of the fat in the liver, and he cringed. We agreed that a homeopathic remedy sounded like the best alternative.
When I came home, after a whole conference day, I looked it up on the Internet. There is a lot of information about gall stones. One site said this: "Cholesterol stones are usually yellow-green and are made primarily of hardened cholesterol. They account for about 80 percent of gallstones. Scientists believe cholesterol stones form when bile contains too much cholesterol, too much bilirubin, or not enough bile salts, or when the gallbladder does not empty as it should for some other reason." I also read that there are people who are more likely to get gall stones: "Women between 20 and 60 years of age are twice as likely to develop gallstones as men. Obesity is a major risk factor for gallstones, especially in women. Excess oestrogen from pregnancy, hormone replacement therapy, or birth control pills." Guess what? I'm a woman of 49 and fat. I don't have kids or have never eaten pills, but my hormone levels are a bit out of balance because I'm getting close to my meno-pause. All that, together with my observations, spell GALL STONES.
Remedies then... What I found was "liver flushing". That seems to be something a lot of people do, and it's easy. You eat some brown rice in the morning and then nothing except for the remedy. The next morning you will lose a lot of gall stones, and then the liver can start working normally again. Sometimes you'll have to repeat the flushing the next week, and then maybe a month later.
So what about the recipe for it? It's easy. Some Epsom salt, olive oil, blood grape and lemon. I can buy the salt in a pharmacy, or if they don't have it, they can get it. Unfortunately I can't do it until the next weekend, because it takes two days and I'll have to start early in the morning. The pharmacy doesn't open until maybe 9. So next weekend it is.
I feel good about this and feel that I could do it this weekend. I read a lot about people who have done this, and they feel so much better afterwards. A lot of them tell that they have lost hundreds of gallstones, and some of them big as grapes. It sounds painful, but according to the people that have done it, it doesn't hurt, so I'm not worried. No matter what, it must be better than what I feel now. Last night I had stomach pains and had to lie down. I went to bed at 9 and it took forever until I fell asleep.

Painful day

2010-05-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of stomach pain now, and I still don't know what it's about. I also felt bloated all day yesterday and had heartburn. At least I was able to go to the bathroom, which was a relief. So, what do I do about this. Stopping eating the diet is out of the question, since I felt so well the first two weeks. So, this week I will try with less dairies, just as I thought yesterday. I had a bowl of blueberries with double cream after dinner last night, and the rest of the evening was a bitch. Ok, I started with a bowl of yoghurt this morning, before I'm writing this, but I only said less dairies and not totally avoidance.
This morning I was thinking about having a quick start again, to sort of clense my body from all things that aren't good for me, but with my history of extreme dieting and giving up after awhile, I don't know if that is such a good idea. I'm not so sure that I could live on the diet a guy on the LCHF forum mentioned - two weeks with only patties. That would be too boring for me. Also this diet is about changing eating habits and not only dieting. I want a diet that can make me lose weight, but that I can continue with for the rest of my life. Then it's important that it's not boring or fanatic. Then I will go back to "normal" eating, which would mean the gastric bypass.
When I have this stomach pain, I think more and more about the gastric bypass. I've read so much about people who have gotten ileus (got the word from Wikipedia) after the surgery, and that is so scary. That could mean another surgery, and maybe I will get a lot of diseases afterwards. If the only option is to be fat, I will do it anyway, but not if I can get on track before that.
I talked with a diet nurse yesterday, to try to reschedule an appointment for counselling. That is something you have to do before the surgery - a couple of hours of information so I know what the surgery will mean in terms of diet before and after the operation. She had given me an appointment so late that I would miss the train home, but she was nice and rescheduled me, so I'm having a meeting with her only, and not the group sitting that was planned. Even if she seemed like a nice person I cringed when she mentioned diet, and also that I need to be on protein drinks for two weeks before the surgery. When I asked why she said that they needed to empty my liver from all fat. Fat?! That's a big part of my diet now, so would it even be enough with two weeks for me? Then I remembered how I've felt when I've been on these drinks before - the painful hunger and the cheating with candy because I couldn't stand feeling empty all the time. If I will need the surgery then I will of course do what it takes, but omg!
Last night, before I went to sleep, I thought: What have I done with myself? Why couldn't I have stopped this before? Why wait until I'm so fat that it's the last chance I'll have before I'll start getting sick from it. So far I'm healthy. No heart problems, the blood sugar is perfect, my blood pressure is perfect, the cholesterol on a good level. The only damage so far is that my knees are damaged for life. For me it's a big thing, because I used to like to move around a lot. Maybe I can fix the knees after I'm down to normal size... That would be like heaven.

Trial and error

2010-05-19T20:16:00.000-07:00

I almost lost my motivation there for awhile, thinking that no matter what I try I will never make it without a surgery. What snapped me out of it was my partner saying last night that maybe we should put another trip to the hospital in Stockholm on the budget - the meant not only for the appointment with the surgeon but also for the surgery. That not even she believes I can do this with diet was hard to hear. The rest of the evening I went between giving up to the knife and trying again. Because I'm stubborn and defiant by nature, I ended up deciding to try it again. The thing is that I believe that I can do this and that LCHF works. I just have to figure out why my stomach doesn't work well.
So this is what's happened: The first two and a half weeks of the diet I went to the bathroom at least three times every day, which is more that I usually do. Then suddenly I couldn't - at all. So yesterday was a painful day. I also had heartburn and something that felt like gastric catarrh, something I've had before, but many years ago. Not being able to do my thing in the bathroom regularly is very bad, and then there is the pain - first from not being able to, and finally...just to get it out. Yes, I know it's not a pleasant read, but it has to be said.
Now I have to figure out what's wrong. I've been having these problems before, no matter the diet, so there must be something that I can't eat much of. My guess is that it's about dairies, but I'm not sure. I've been eating yoghurt breakfasts several times a week before, and that worked just fine, but I'm not used to all this double cream and creme fraiche. So it may be that. It can also be that I don't drink enough water. I know, I know - it's important. It's just that I tend to forget about it, and then suddenly I get very thirsty and drink some. Now it's been even less since I, on top of everything else, have an aching tooth. I will fix it on June 1. So maybe it's the lack of water that makes everything I eat very hard to digest.
When I went to a homeopath last fall, he said that I have digestion problems. Something about that my intestines can't get rid of everything and that it ends up being a hindrance to the absorption of minerals and vitamins - that as an explanation of my constantly returning lack of iron. He gave me remedies, but of course I just took them for awhile and then forgot about them. I so bad when it comes to remembering meds. I do believe in homeopathy though, but that didn't help me. I still have them though, so maybe I'll start taking them again and see what happens.
Another option is that the portions are still too big, and that I have to eat even slower to feel that I'm full before I have eaten too much and get all bloated and have stomach cramps.
There are many things to try, so I hope that one, or all, of them will be the key. No matter what my partner says - I am motivated to lose weight and I will make it.

Disastrous day

2010-05-18T20:56:00.000-07:00

OMG! What a day it was yesterday. I woke up feeling bloated and with a bad stomach. Went to the bathroom three times before work. Breakfast was Turkish yoghurt with some pumpkin seeds. Obviously that wasn't enough, because I needed a snack mid morning. The only thing that was available at work was a big slice of tasteless cheese, 28% fat. It wasn't very satisfying, but I felt a little better after that.
When it was time for lunch I was starving again. The lunch I had was left-overs, but even if I added an extra chunk of butter to the cauliflower mash, I didn't feel full afterwards. Then I had so much to do until 3 that I didn't think about food. I was very thirsty though and I drank water the whole day, which I normally forget. The day before I had only one glass of water, which is way too little.
Anyway, at 3 it was time to leave to visit one of my clients at her work. When I came there, to the coffee place where she works, she had a day off. Not even her boss was there, so I just went home and took an hour off my long overtime list. Before that though, I bought a little piece o dark chocolate. Why? I don't know, except that I had a big craving and didn't think. I probably fell into the hole I used to go to before - that if the day started badly I just decided to continue that way - "it's fucked up anyway". At least I enjoyed the chocolate while I biked home, even if I had a little nagging thought in the back of my head, that said that it wasn't a good thing to do.
When I came home I was hungry again and since I thought it was too early to have dinner, and I knew my partner would come in only an hour, I looked through the kitchen for a snack. So, did I have a piece of cheese or boiled an egg with butter? No, of course not. Without thinking so much about it I had a piece of Melba toast with lots of butter and some cream cheese. Didn't help much, so I defrosted an oopsie and had that with the same things on it. Finally full I went to have a shower while waiting for the kettle, so I could make some tea and drown the rest of my cravings.
My partner wasn't very hungry so I helped her with her Swedish home work before we made dinner. We had left-over bacon wrapped chicken, which had become disgustingly dry, some fried veggies and a coleslaw. The only thing we liked was the coleslaw with yoghurt and mayo.
The rest of the evening I felt like I wanted to rewind the day and try to make it better. I also thought that I wanted something else, but since I didn't want to make it worse I drank a lot of tea. I went to bed early with a book, and I wasn't very happy with myself.
So what happened? I don't know, but I think feeling bloated has something to do with too much dairies. I think I may be sensitive to that. Also, my portions were too small and with too little fat. That's all I can think of. I won't let this day destroy my resolution though, which it easily could have done. No, this day will be a better one - and now I'm hungry...

Fighting my reward system

2010-05-17T20:49:00.000-07:00

Now I have a lot of thinking to do. We had a long talk last night about me wanting to reward myself with desserts every weekend. It easily gets out of hand, but I didn't see that myself. My partner says that, the last weekend I had berries, whipped cream and crumbled LCHF-cookies every day. For some reason I had repressed that and only remembered half of it. Obviously I also had big portions, instead of just having a little and move my fat ass (my words...) to get more if I wanted it. I felt bad when I heard it, but when I searched my memory and remembered. The problem is that the cookies contain an artificial sweetener and lots of almond flour. I don't think I'm supposed to eat that kind of sweetener at all, and I'm not sure that I can eat a lot of almonds or nuts. The berries - I know that they're better than fruit, but the question is...are they unlimited or should I be careful? Since I don't know I'd better just eat a few with my morning yoghurt.
Thinking about my behavior makes me a bit sad, because I realize that I have to change more than just taking away candy, cakes, fruit, potatoes, rice, pasta and bread. Honestly - nothing of that feels bad, and I think I have adapted well to the new way of eating - except that my stomach isn't very happy right now. But all isn't about what I eat. It's also about the way I think and feel. That is part of the change, and I have to deal with it and try to figure out a way to get behind life long habits and the feeling that I have to reward myself in the weekends.
My partner, who's very wise, asked last night: "so why have you deserved a reward? You don't fight eating LCHF food hard, so where is the suffering you had to go through that makes you deserve a reward?" Damn, that was hard to hear, and of course totally true. I don't suffer when I eat LCHF, and I don't feel deprived of everything, so why a reward and why the feeling that I should be able to allow myself something delicious in the weekends? What I do is that I don't even prod my thoughts about it, but eat it just because I can. I should think more about it, and decide if it's worth it. Sometimes I eat things without even thinking that it's very good...but just a little sweet and festive. Instead I should evaluate every little portion that isn't food with good fat. Is it so good that it's worth it? What else have I had this week? Can I afford it when I want to lose weight? Is it worth it to push myself towards a gastric bypass, instead of eating what I should and avoid mutilation?
So, it it about me not thinking, or can traditions have anything to do with this compulsory behavior? We didn't have a lot of desserts when I grew up, but my mom baked some, and we had ice cream almost every weekend. I was pretty spoiled and could have all I wanted of everything, and that probably got out of hand. If I screamed they pushed a cookie or ice cream into my mouth, and eventually I screamed because I wanted a cookie or candy. My parents didn't know of course, that they ruined my eating habits and that this, when I moved away from home and was out of all control, eventually made me fat.
So, life long habits, and being spoiled - does that make it ok for me to have all I want now? Even when I haven't deserved it? Just because I want it at the moment, and don't even think about why I want to eat it or how I will feel afterwards? No, of course not. I simply have to suck it up and learn how to think before, instead of following an impulse and regret it afterwards.

Worried

2010-05-16T21:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I feel so bloated and heavy. Is it just that time of the month, or is it the diet. I'm worried that I do something wrong though. Do I eat too much, or too little? Is there something I should eat, or something I've missed? I added the "oopsies" to the diet and I have eaten one or two every day since Friday. Maybe that's too much. They contain a few carbs, even if it's not as much as in real bread. Also, I eat berries almost every day - either as dessert on weekends, or for breakfast. Maybe that's too much. Anyway, I haven't lost any weight at all this last week, which is very sad.
Not losing weight always makes me freak out a bit, and my brain goes into "starvation mode". I have this tendency to start eating less, and it always ends with me giving up. I can't afford doing that this time, since I really don't wanna go through the surgery unless it's the only way out. Therefore I need to know what is happening.
Also, my tummy isn't happy right now. Not that I have to run to the bathroom all the time, but more that I have cramps, that has nothing to do with my period. Brought up with information about fat=high cholesterol, I start to wonder if all the fat is good for me. Yes, I know what I've been reading, but what if I'm the exception?
I'm gonna continue with this, but I need to know more.
The weekend? I ate what I should, but didn't enjoy it as much as I've been doing the last two weeks. I didn't like that feeling. Ok, getting information and then going back on track!

A dangerous day

2010-05-15T03:48:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a really dangerous day. I was free from work, home alone and hormonal. And of course - I wanted to eat everything. In the morning I had left-overs from dinner, so a patty and some mushroom stew. It still feels a bit weird to eat hot food in the morning, but at least it was as good as the day before, and it made me cave things less the rest of the morning. At lunch time I was planning to go out and have my picture taken, and also shopping for food, so I was a good girl and had lunch before I left - a spicy sausage and some scrambled eggs, made with butter and cream of course. The rest of the day, after I came home, I craved sweets and did everything to avoid eating something. I read a book, did the dishes, changed linens in the bed, had lots of tea... but after a few hours and couldn't stand it anymore, so I started to make LCHF ice cream. The last recipe was a disaster, so this time I did what I've been doing before - whisking cream in one bowl, whites in one and yolks and flavor in one, and then mixing it all. I flavored it with cocoa and I must say that it was very good. Even my partner, the Ben and Jerry snob, liked it. But that was after dinner.
The dinner was a really nice meal. We fried a whole flank steak in a pan with lots of butter, and when it was still dark pink, we took it out and made a sauce with mustard, capers, W-sauce and pepper, and then we put the now sliced meat back to soak up the sauce. In the meanwhile we cream stewed fresh cabbage and fried some mushrooms. All of it together was a fabulous feast with lots of flavors, and it even looked delicious. The ice cream afterwards was a bonus.
So the dangerous day turned out good, and I managed to keep my cravings in check. Hard, but I did it!

Simple but awesome

2010-05-13T11:00:00.001-07:00

Sometimes the simple is the best. Tonight I had left-over patties from yesterday's dinner. I just heated them and to them I had a mushroom stew that was the best I've ever made. Lots of cream, butter, some salt and black pepper. Like always nowadays I couldn't eat it all, but it was so good. The day we spent in Denmark, since it's Ascension Day and everyone is free. We went to Louisiana, the museum of modern art north of Copenhagen. The theme was color in art. The exhibition wasn't the best we've seen, but it was ok. Before we went there we had a quick meal at an Arab restaurant in Malmö, and I had kebab meat with veggies and hot sauce. It was ok, but not something I will eat again soon, unless I'm starving. I had so much raw onions that I needed something sweet, and that ended up being dark chocolate. I so wish I could eat milk chocolate, but those days are over and I have to face the my new life, because it's gonna be like this forever. I'm so lucky that I enjoy food so much again, because it still doesn't feel like a diet, but just another way to eat. The sweet tooth I'll have to live with though...
My partner reminded me of something today, when I said I wanted a nice piece of cake from La Glace, Denmarks oldest pastry bakery...and she said "sure, go ahead, and then you can have the surgery." Totally right of course, and I'm not so sure that the surgery is such a good idea. It seems LCHF is a better deal than to mutilate myself because my character is so weak.
Something else than my view on food is also starting to change, btw. Before I would have gotten a little upset after the comment that I have to choose between a piece of cake and the surgery, but this time I just felt that I need to get rid of those silly thoughts of cheating, because if I cheat once, I will give myself permission to do it more often, and that would be a disaster.

A low fat dinner

2010-05-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

Sitting here, burping, after eating a really fatty breakfast. I was so hungry from yesterday's dinner, and I ate a little too much.
Monday was a good day: breakfast with fat Turkish yoghurt and berries and lunch with fried veggies, a small piece of meat and some cauliflower mash. Dinner was a pure delight, and I enjoyed it very much. I had grilled bacon-wrapped chicken fillets and small pointy peppers filled with mushrooms, cream and cheese. I also had some left-over sauce with sour cream and blue cheese, flavored with sugar snaps and cherry tomatoes. I must mention that I stopped after eating less than I used to eat, but I was full and totally satisfied. Oh, and on my way home, when shopping, I munched on some cashew nuts.
Yesterday started the same way as the day before, with Turkish yoghurt and berries. Then I had lunch with some left-over chicken, which was still yummy. I fried some veggies in butter and added some of that sour cream sauce, and I was a happy camper.
In the afternoon I had some nuts as a snack. In the evening I was visiting a friend. We were gonna play Mah Jong with two others, and have dinner before that. She had made a very good broccoli and lentil soup, and for dessert some youhurt and berries, topped with dark chocolate. It was a nice meal, but not as rich as I'm used to now. On my way home, about three hours after dinner, I was hungry. In my pocket I had some more nuts, so those stopped me from doing anything foolish, like stopping to buy a hot dog or something else with carbs. I managed to get home in one carb free piece, and went straight to bed. It took forever to fall asleep.
So what did I learn? That it's a good thing to have nuts in the pocket and that it's important to eat something fatty before eating dinner with friends. I could have brought a piece of creamy Brie and fried it in butter before dinner, or something... I can understand that it's hard for other people to understand this concept. We talked about it over dinner, and I tried to explain the concept. "What about the cholesterol?" "It sounds strange" "Carbs can't be that bad if you just eat with moderation"... All well meaning comments, but I could hear the skepticism. I can understand that. We've been filled with "facts" about how low fat, whole grain and fruit is the way to be thin and healthy, and that exercise is the most important thing. Of course it's hard to really believe that eating cream, cheese and butter can work. I have daily debates at work, but I like discussing, so it's not a problem for me. The more people protest, the convinced I get - like a stubborn kid.

Hormones

2010-05-10T20:59:00.001-07:00

That special time of month is over me - or soon - and my hormones are making me want all kinds of this. The day before yesterday I was more or less chewing my fingers for wanting to eat everything in sight. I ended up making LCHF meringue, which wasn't a very good thing. I haven't ordered sukrin yet, so I did it with a traditional sweetener. Maybe that wasn't a good idea. The whole thing turned out soft and almost chewy. Right after, being very disappointed with my attempt at baking, I started a new project - cookies. I made almond flour and mixed that with eggs, sweetener and butter. It was supposed to end up as toffee cookies, crisp and delicious. Instead they were so crumbly that it was even hard to hold them without them falling apart. The taste wasn't very good either. The recipe was from a Swedish LCHF baking book, so I was sure it would turn out well, unlike my former experiments with baking, when I think I can make anything and end p with nothing. That wasn't the case, and still I did it exactly as it said. Either the pictures in book lie, or I did something wrong. So the labor ended with me having soft meringue with whipped cream and berries. My partner took one bite of it, claimed that it tasted bitter, and went out in the kitchen to fetch a Ben and jerry ice cream instead. I had both portions, not because it was exceptionally good, but because it was there and I couldn't stand to throw away what I had made - and the hormones of course.
The rest of the last two days have been ok. I've been eating what I should, but maybe too little fat. It's nothing that I planned, but the food turned out that way. I will do better the coming day - except for tonight of course. Then I will go to a friend and play Mah Jong, and she will make lentil soup, which I like. Maybe there will be a fatty thin for dessert...
Oh, I forgot. Yesterday I got a letter from Stockholm. It was about the first appointment with the surgeon who will do the gastric bypass in about four months. That letter threw me off balance. I haven't thought about the surgery since I started this diet. Now I have some thinking to do. In the instructions it said that I never can eat so much fat again, and that is totally against what I've learned to believe in. I will also eat 7-8 times again, and very small portions. Candy I can be without, but these last weeks has been the only time in forever when I've actually loved to cook. It's been so much fun to find out new ways to cook veggies, and I know it's because I feel that I CAN eat what I like, instead if the usual with diets, when the focus is about what you CAN'T. I don't react very well when I'm not allowed to do things, and tend to become like a little kid. So all this needs a good thinking. I will go to the appointment in Stockholm, of course. It's on June 7. After that I have about three months to the surgery, and that time I will use to continue with LCHF. If I can make that work as well as now, and I continue to lose weight, I will have a serious discussion with myself about if I really wanna go through with the surgery and after that don't have a functional stomach. Suddenly the thing that I thought was the salvation sounds too drastic, and I'm afraid that I will go back to not liking to cook and eat.